The Empirical Manifesto

ACT ONE:

There was a rapping (gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door) on the door the other night near bedtime. We never get visitors that late. I peered out the peephole and was greeted with...nothing! I unlatched the door and saw a box on the step. A white truck was pulling away. My wife's maiden name was on the box.

In one fluid move the package was snatched up and placed on a bookshelf away from prying eyes the door closed and locked as I strolled back into the living room. My wife and children gazed at me until I sat, and my son asks aloud, "Who was at the door?" I stared directly at my wife and announced:

"FedX brought a B-O-X for X-mas from your mother's X."

The kids had no idea what had just happened.

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ACT TWO:

The week galinda822 was here I canceled my internet service. I simply couldn't put up with the "sudden" links of SuddenLink after their many, many outages. With zero other choices, I called AT&T and ordered up the fastest DSL I could get in my area. It ain't much, but with the dry-loop option, very affordable. Static-IP, here I come. The DSL modem arrived the next day, but just like with the lack of a coaxial connection in the office, there's also no phone jack. H E L L O - Its an office - what did you think I was going to do in here? So I still need to get that tended to.

I call AT&T and once I finally get to speak to a person - seriously, you guys would not believe how these conversations go. Well, photogoot and galinda822 would. photogoot and I used to take turns watching each other perform on the phone whenever a call needed to be made:



AT&T: Good afternoon and thank you for calling AT&T may I help you?
ERIC: Yes ma'am, I'd like to request installation of a phone jack at my residence.
AT&T: Certainly sir, And your AT&T phone number?
ERIC: I don't have a home phone.
AT&T: I'm sorry sir, we are unable to install any phone jacks unless you have an AT&T number to tie it to for billing.
ERIC: Then there's a breakdown in your billing scheme. Its a dry-loop DSL line; they're not assigned numbers, yet I require a jack to run it.
AT&T Please hold.

[time passes]

AT&T: Yes sir, I'm sorry, I should've asked you more explicitly what you needed a jack for because we do install them for dry-loop customers without numbers. Do you know your dry-loop account number sir?
ERIC: No ma'am, unfortunately the individual who set up my account was unable to email me my account information.
AT&T: Let me see if I can find it. Name please?
ERIC: Eric Howton
AT&T: Ok sir, your telephone number is 000-000-0000. This is a fictious number starting with a zero assigned to your account for dry-loop DSL.
ERIC: Thank you ma'am. Is that also my account number?
AT&T: No sir, I'm going to transfer you to [some other department] who can help get that set up for you sir as they deal explicitly with the dry-loop systems and they'll give you your account number there.
ERIC: Thank you. Can you email me this information?
AT&T: No sir, we're not allowed to email anyone who doesn't have an AT&T home phone.
ERIC: Thank you.
AT&T: Please hold.

[time passes]

AT&T: AT&T May I help you?
ERIC: Yes ma'am, I'd like to request installation of a phone jack at my residence.
AT&T: May I use information based on your usage to discuss with your products from the AT&T family which may be of interest to you while I access your account? All information will be strictly confidential and not shared with any 3rd party.
ERIC: What?
AT&T: May I use information based on your usage to discuss with your products from the AT&T family which may be of interest to you while I access your account? All information will be strictly confidential and not shared with any 3rd party.
ERIC: Based on my usage?
AT&T: Yes.
ERIC: Absolutely!
AT&T: Thank you sir. May I have your phone number?
ERIC: All I have is the fictitious number they gave me which is tied to my dry-loop DSL, do you want that one?
AT&T: Yes sir because that's also your account number.
ERIC: *sigh*
ERIC: 000-000-0000.
AT&T: Thank you sir. We don't actually set up your installation here, that goes through the Internet Group. Would you like me to transfer you?
ERIC: Yes ma'am, please. Are they not AT&T?
AT&T: Correct. They are our Internet Group.
ERIC: Thank you.
AT&T: Please hold.

[time passes]

AT&T: Good afternoon and thank you for calling AT&T may I help you?
ERIC: I'd like to request installation of a phone jack at my residence.
AT&T: Certainly. Phone number please?
ERIC: 000-000-0000.
AT&T: Thank you, and is that a good number to reach you at if we get disconnected?
ERIC: No sir, its a fictitious number handed out to dry-loop DSL customers which acts as an account number.
AT&T: Please hold.

[time passes]

AT&T: What can I help you with sir?
ERIC: I'd like to request installation of a phone jack at my residence.
AT&T: Of course, just give me a moment please and we'll get you taken care of.
ERIC: Thank you.
AT&T: May I place you on hold for two minutes?
ERIC: Uh...
AT&T Thank you. Please hold

[time passes]

AT&T: Thank you for holding. Is your DSL hooked up and running sir?
ERIC: No sir, I'm trying to get a jack installed to do just that.
AT&T: Yes...sure. May I place you on hold?
AT&T: Thank you. Please hold.
ERIC: Uh...

[time passes]

AT&T: Thank you for holding sir. We're going to have to ask you to contact your phone company.
ERIC: I'm sorry, is this not...AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, it is. But we require you to contact your phone company.
ERIC: You are filling that role for me.
AT&T: Anything else I can do for you sir?
ERIC: I can't think of anything you've done yet.
AT&T: Thank you for using AT&T.

As it turns out, AT&T won't install any jack or lines unless I use them as my home carrier, and since we don't have a home phone, I can't even hire them to come out and install the jack.

Hrumph!

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ACT THREE:

(11:52:33 AM) Professortom: guess what?
(11:54:49 AM) EricHowton: You don't seriously expect me to answer that do you? I mean, given the circumstances of communication via this medium you're actually expecting me to say, "What?" prior to you releasing what it is you want me to know?
(11:55:36 AM) Professortom: yes.
(11:55:47 AM) Professortom: I'll wait for you to say "what?"
...
User Professortom Blocked

I really don't have time for that.