ehowton (ehowton) wrote,

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World Domination

How did you do that? You move like they do. ~Trinity

There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about the Monster family of drinks, and I've been asked to set the record straight for those of you who are considering putting your toe in the water, as I have a wealth of knowledge based upon practical application and real-world experience. I do not call my blog the "Empirical Manifesto" for giggles. During this dissertation, we'll discuss the two classes of drinks:

--> Carbonated beverages and their varieties.
     --> Lightly carbonated 'juices' and their varieties
--> Coffee drinks and their varieties.

But first, let me clear up a couple of common fallacies:

1. Will I really levitate after drinking a Monster Energy brand drink?

Yes, you really will. Your feet will physically not touch the ground - but only if you shotgun one in the parking lot immediately after purchase. Always buy two. One to shotgun and one to sip on.

2. You talk about "folding space" as if it were really possible.

Call it what you like, its quite literally a wrinkle in time. You will take on all the powers and responsibilities of a Third-Stage Guild Navigator, being able to travel through space and time without moving.

3. Can Monster Energy brand drinks make me more desirable?

Yes! One of the perks of drinking Monster Energy are the many positive side effects! Drinking at least one can a day will shrink belly-fat, stimulate hair follicles on your scalp, double stamina, metabolism and attenuate vision. Many people no longer requires glasses or contacts while drinking Monster brand drinks! It removes wrinkles, clears up acne, restores ph-balance, halts vaginal dryness, equalizes serotonin levels, strengthens bone, restores beauty and reverses aging.

*These, and many more seemingly outrageous examples of what Monster Energy can do are found under my "MONSTER" tag: the bulk of which show up under the comments section.

Let's discuss the carbonated beverage first. Monster Energy is the original flavor, and is identified by a fluorescent green "M" on a black can with a green pull-tab. Some people are alarmed when they discover the liquid itself is the same electric color, as if it were brewed in a laboratory. That's exactly what it is! The Book of Exodus (Sixteenth Chapter) tells the story of the Lord providing food, from heaven, to the Israelites for 40-years as they wandered in the wilderness. It was described as tasting like wafers made with honey. If manna were a fruit which dropped from the heavens to feed the Israelites, then Monster would taste like that - because the flavor of it doesn't exist in our corporal world, I can only assume it comes from the spirit-realm, perhaps harvested by the millions of angels God has placed upon this earth to tend to us. When I drink the stuff, I can almost see them.

This flavor, and this flavor alone comes in all the following volume configurations (other flavors may come in any combination of the below). SAM'S CLUB 24-can case pricing - $1.21 per can:

  • 16oz. Classic (No more than 3 x Daily recommended.)

  • 24oz. Billabong XXL (No more than 2 x Daily recommended.)

  • 24oz. MegaMonster [WIDE MOUTH]. (No more than 2 x daily recommended.)

  • 32oz. B.F.C. (Yes, that's really what they call it. Its a 32oz oil can, and its like a slap across the face! [They suggest not chugging it.] This turgid specimen weighs in at nearly $4! No more than 1 x Daily recommended.)

  • The other flavors are as follows:

    • BLUE "M" Lo-Carb: (Classic Black can) A more asslike version of the original.

    • ORANGE "M" KHAOS: (Industrial-patterned can) Orange/Passion fruit. 70% juice.

    • RED "M" Assault: (Camouflaged can) Fruit Punch.

    • YELLOW "M" M-80: (Industrial-patterned can) Pineapple/Passion fruit. 80% juice.

    • PURPLE "M" MixxD: (Industrial-patterned can) Grape/Apple. 30% juice.

    • SILVER "M" Heavy Metal: (Green can) Green Apple. (32oz. only)

    The coffee's are marketed as having "Half the caffeine, twice the buzz." These come in 15oz. sizes, woodgrained cans, the first three being tasting similar enough to each other that the discrete flavors are nearly impossible to discern. SAM'S CLUB Variety 12-pack price - $1.61 per can.

    • Light Brown - Loca Mocha: (Original Woodgrain can) Chocolate-hinted coffee.

    • Tan - Mean Bean: (Original Woodgrain can) Vanilla-hinted coffee.

    • Yellow - Big Black: (Original Woodgrain can) Monster coffee.

    • Red - Russian: (Red marble can) White Russian coffee.

    • Green - Irish Blend: Irish Creme coffee.

    • Dark Brown - Nut-Up: (Original Woodgrain can) Hazelnut coffee.

    • White - Lo-Ball: Lo-carb "Mean Bean".

    • Green - Chai Hai: (Sub-continent design) Chai Tea.

    Russian, replete with a hammer & sickle flag, the Imperial "Double-Headed" eagle, and "twisted-onion" rooftop (representing the Kremlin), uses color more representative of the old Soviet-era than of modern day Russia. But don't be fooled - the White Russian for which this drink is named after, is lurking there, just under the surface. Its as mild a flavor as any of their drinks, (with a healthy side of aroma) but you know its there, and it makes you want to break open the vodka and recreate a little Glasnost at home. What it says on the can: "We couldn't resist adding a shot of our favorite liquor to Java Monster. Damn if that don't make it taste better and work quicker. Brain Storm: Make a Java Monster cocktail. Reality Check: It's easier to invent time travel than to get energy coffee with alcohol past Big Brother. Solution: Take our favorite spirit, remove the alcohol add the flavor to the Java Monster...SUCCESS! Java Monster Russian, A non-alcoholic version of our favorite coffee cocktail. Buzz compliments of Monster."

    Nut Up, devoid of any additional adornment on the can (it looks like the original three flavors (woodgrain) in expected Java Monster fashion, has just a hint of hazelnut flavor - nothing even remotely resembling overpowering, though once again, the aroma alone lets you know what you're drinking and tricks you into believing you've got the real deal. What is says on the can: " No foam, extra hot, half-caff, no-whip, non-fat, soy latte...Enough of the Coffee House BS already! Its time to get out of the line and step up to what's next. Java Monster...premium coffee and cream, brewed up with killer flavor, supercharged with Monster energy blend. Coffee done the Monster way. Wide open, with a take no prisoners attitude and the experience and know-how to back it up."

    Chai Hai has that spicy coffee-haus-who-does-tea flavor, possibly the strongest of all the flavors, and though it really is tea, the taste and viscosity is very nearly identical to the coffee drinks. Very deliciously spicy and will likely supplant all others when its a Java Monster I reach for. What it says on the can: HELL YES! Monster can do tea. Not that powdered junk or the latest New Age cure-all. Not that tea the Queen has with her crumpets or the tea little girls have with make believe friends. Chai Hai is more like the tea guards drink in Turkish Prison - Tea with sack, not bags! Imported tea, real cream, Monster's spice and energy blend...Guaranteed to stoke the fires within!

    Irish Blend in its green Celtic can, is as inoffensive in taste as its Russian counterpart. That is to say, just sitting there under the surface while it fills you with thoughts of a splash of Bailey's with every sip. What is says on the can: (Same as 'Russian')

    I combat the forces of evil everyday. Forces which work against me, to cripple me, and my effectiveness to spread joy and cheer to all those who surround me. Every day I fight evildoers who are willing to sacrifice me to better themselves, and who attempt to disrespect me with their disdain and ignorance. The forces of evil are many, and strong, but I am stronger. When I am face-to-face with pending doom, I crack open an ice cold Monster Energy drink in their 16, 24, or 32 ounce varieties and arm myself with the kind of supercharge my enemies have come to fear.

    I will be a light to those around me - a bright, fluorescent green light, shining into the crevices of those who would do wrong. No ma'am, that's not my aura, and I can't heal you. But I know something that can: Monster brand drinks!

    Found at all corner shops and gas stations.

    Please drink responsibly.

    Concerning an overdose:

    Posted in a forum by drax0r: I'm not sure what came over me today, but it's been a 7 Monster day.
    Two in the morning, one at lunch, a Lo-Ball Java after work, and 2x 24oz. cans after I got home.
    I'm feeling a bit queasy and light-headed and my urine is fluorescent green.

    On the other hand, I can move things and manifest fire with my mind.

    Follow my MONSTER tagged rabbit-hole!

    Tags: monster, picturebook, ton-o-comments

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    • People Being Magnificent - My Bijou Life

    • The Beach

      It began, as it almost always does, innocently enough. A group of friends, beer, and plans to get together sometime in the future. Really, the only…

    • There and Back Again

      Spent Wednesday through Sunday in Pawnee Rock, came back home and Dad arrived unexpectedly Wednesday, staying through the holiday leaving Sunday…