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World Domination

Posted on 2008.02.12 at 22:00
Current Location: 75409
Current Music: Johnny Cash - The Essential Johnny Cash/ Brightman - Symphony
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How did you do that? You move like they do. ~Trinity

There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about the Monster family of drinks, and I've been asked to set the record straight for those of you who are considering putting your toe in the water, as I have a wealth of knowledge based upon practical application and real-world experience. I do not call my blog the "Empirical Manifesto" for giggles. During this dissertation, we'll discuss the two classes of drinks:

--> Carbonated beverages and their varieties.
     --> Lightly carbonated 'juices' and their varieties
--> Coffee drinks and their varieties.

But first, let me clear up a couple of common fallacies:

1. Will I really levitate after drinking a Monster Energy brand drink?

Yes, you really will. Your feet will physically not touch the ground - but only if you shotgun one in the parking lot immediately after purchase. Always buy two. One to shotgun and one to sip on.

2. You talk about "folding space" as if it were really possible.

Call it what you like, its quite literally a wrinkle in time. You will take on all the powers and responsibilities of a Third-Stage Guild Navigator, being able to travel through space and time without moving.

3. Can Monster Energy brand drinks make me more desirable?

Yes! One of the perks of drinking Monster Energy are the many positive side effects! Drinking at least one can a day will shrink belly-fat, stimulate hair follicles on your scalp, double stamina, metabolism and attenuate vision. Many people no longer requires glasses or contacts while drinking Monster brand drinks! It removes wrinkles, clears up acne, restores ph-balance, halts vaginal dryness, equalizes serotonin levels, strengthens bone, restores beauty and reverses aging.

*These, and many more seemingly outrageous examples of what Monster Energy can do are found under my "MONSTER" tag: http://ehowton.livejournal.com/tag/monster the bulk of which show up under the comments section.

Let's discuss the carbonated beverage first. Monster Energy is the original flavor, and is identified by a fluorescent green "M" on a black can with a green pull-tab. Some people are alarmed when they discover the liquid itself is the same electric color, as if it were brewed in a laboratory. That's exactly what it is! The Book of Exodus (Sixteenth Chapter) tells the story of the Lord providing food, from heaven, to the Israelites for 40-years as they wandered in the wilderness. It was described as tasting like wafers made with honey. If manna were a fruit which dropped from the heavens to feed the Israelites, then Monster would taste like that - because the flavor of it doesn't exist in our corporal world, I can only assume it comes from the spirit-realm, perhaps harvested by the millions of angels God has placed upon this earth to tend to us. When I drink the stuff, I can almost see them.

This flavor, and this flavor alone comes in all the following volume configurations (other flavors may come in any combination of the below). SAM'S CLUB 24-can case pricing - $1.21 per can:

  • 16oz. Classic (No more than 3 x Daily recommended.)

  • 24oz. Billabong XXL (No more than 2 x Daily recommended.)

  • 24oz. MegaMonster [WIDE MOUTH]. (No more than 2 x daily recommended.)

  • 32oz. B.F.C. (Yes, that's really what they call it. Its a 32oz oil can, and its like a slap across the face! [They suggest not chugging it.] This turgid specimen weighs in at nearly $4! No more than 1 x Daily recommended.)

  • The other flavors are as follows:

    • BLUE "M" Lo-Carb: (Classic Black can) A more asslike version of the original.

    • ORANGE "M" KHAOS: (Industrial-patterned can) Orange/Passion fruit. 70% juice.

    • RED "M" Assault: (Camouflaged can) Fruit Punch.

    • YELLOW "M" M-80: (Industrial-patterned can) Pineapple/Passion fruit. 80% juice.

    • PURPLE "M" MixxD: (Industrial-patterned can) Grape/Apple. 30% juice.

    • SILVER "M" Heavy Metal: (Green can) Green Apple. (32oz. only)

    The coffee's are marketed as having "Half the caffeine, twice the buzz." These come in 15oz. sizes, woodgrained cans, the first three being tasting similar enough to each other that the discrete flavors are nearly impossible to discern. SAM'S CLUB Variety 12-pack price - $1.61 per can.

    • Light Brown - Loca Mocha: (Original Woodgrain can) Chocolate-hinted coffee.

    • Tan - Mean Bean: (Original Woodgrain can) Vanilla-hinted coffee.

    • Yellow - Big Black: (Original Woodgrain can) Monster coffee.

    • Red - Russian: (Red marble can) White Russian coffee.

    • Green - Irish Blend: Irish Creme coffee.

    • Dark Brown - Nut-Up: (Original Woodgrain can) Hazelnut coffee.

    • White - Lo-Ball: Lo-carb "Mean Bean".

    • Green - Chai Hai: (Sub-continent design) Chai Tea.

    Russian, replete with a hammer & sickle flag, the Imperial "Double-Headed" eagle, and "twisted-onion" rooftop (representing the Kremlin), uses color more representative of the old Soviet-era than of modern day Russia. But don't be fooled - the White Russian for which this drink is named after, is lurking there, just under the surface. Its as mild a flavor as any of their drinks, (with a healthy side of aroma) but you know its there, and it makes you want to break open the vodka and recreate a little Glasnost at home. What it says on the can: "We couldn't resist adding a shot of our favorite liquor to Java Monster. Damn if that don't make it taste better and work quicker. Brain Storm: Make a Java Monster cocktail. Reality Check: It's easier to invent time travel than to get energy coffee with alcohol past Big Brother. Solution: Take our favorite spirit, remove the alcohol add the flavor to the Java Monster...SUCCESS! Java Monster Russian, A non-alcoholic version of our favorite coffee cocktail. Buzz compliments of Monster."

    Nut Up, devoid of any additional adornment on the can (it looks like the original three flavors (woodgrain) in expected Java Monster fashion, has just a hint of hazelnut flavor - nothing even remotely resembling overpowering, though once again, the aroma alone lets you know what you're drinking and tricks you into believing you've got the real deal. What is says on the can: " No foam, extra hot, half-caff, no-whip, non-fat, soy latte...Enough of the Coffee House BS already! Its time to get out of the line and step up to what's next. Java Monster...premium coffee and cream, brewed up with killer flavor, supercharged with Monster energy blend. Coffee done the Monster way. Wide open, with a take no prisoners attitude and the experience and know-how to back it up."

    Chai Hai has that spicy coffee-haus-who-does-tea flavor, possibly the strongest of all the flavors, and though it really is tea, the taste and viscosity is very nearly identical to the coffee drinks. Very deliciously spicy and will likely supplant all others when its a Java Monster I reach for. What it says on the can: HELL YES! Monster can do tea. Not that powdered junk or the latest New Age cure-all. Not that tea the Queen has with her crumpets or the tea little girls have with make believe friends. Chai Hai is more like the tea guards drink in Turkish Prison - Tea with sack, not bags! Imported tea, real cream, Monster's spice and energy blend...Guaranteed to stoke the fires within!

    Irish Blend in its green Celtic can, is as inoffensive in taste as its Russian counterpart. That is to say, just sitting there under the surface while it fills you with thoughts of a splash of Bailey's with every sip. What is says on the can: (Same as 'Russian')

    I combat the forces of evil everyday. Forces which work against me, to cripple me, and my effectiveness to spread joy and cheer to all those who surround me. Every day I fight evildoers who are willing to sacrifice me to better themselves, and who attempt to disrespect me with their disdain and ignorance. The forces of evil are many, and strong, but I am stronger. When I am face-to-face with pending doom, I crack open an ice cold Monster Energy drink in their 16, 24, or 32 ounce varieties and arm myself with the kind of supercharge my enemies have come to fear.

    I will be a light to those around me - a bright, fluorescent green light, shining into the crevices of those who would do wrong. No ma'am, that's not my aura, and I can't heal you. But I know something that can: Monster brand drinks!

    Found at all corner shops and gas stations.

    Please drink responsibly.

    Concerning an overdose:

    Posted in a forum by drax0r: I'm not sure what came over me today, but it's been a 7 Monster day.
    Two in the morning, one at lunch, a Lo-Ball Java after work, and 2x 24oz. cans after I got home.
    I'm feeling a bit queasy and light-headed and my urine is fluorescent green.

    On the other hand, I can move things and manifest fire with my mind.

    Follow my MONSTER tagged rabbit-hole!


    Page 1 of 2
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    Tomas Gallucci
    schpydurx at 2008-02-13 04:11 (UTC) (Link)
    You're an addict that needs to check into rehab.

    Also, please cite your source.
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 04:13 (UTC) (Link)
    If you're not going to afford me the courtesy of reading this post, please sir, refrain from commenting on it.

    Edited at 2008-02-13 04:14 am (UTC)
    mr_dowg at 2008-02-13 04:24 (UTC) (Link)
    This is for Lori from Glo.....she wants you to know that there is a show called "intervention" that yo might need to check out!

    Now....for my two cents.....I have to say that I now love Monster! It definitely helps me energy wise AND I have noticed that I do not eat as much at meal time as I had been so hopefully it will help me in that aspect too. I am afraid that I must admit that I am already becoming addicted after only 3 days of use!!!!!!!!!

    Edited at 2008-02-13 04:25 am (UTC)
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 04:33 (UTC) (Link)
    Sir, one of the individuals involved in requesting information on Monster Java technologies was indeed, glodowg whom I put this, in part, together for.

    She is now able to make strong, informed decisions concerning their coffee line.
    galinda822 at 2008-02-13 04:31 (UTC) (Link)
    If I ever decide to try one of these - and that's a big IF - I would probably go for one of the "coffee" flavors. Perhaps the Chai!

    You will be the 1st to know if I do! :)
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 04:34 (UTC) (Link)
    I was there for your first Chipotle burrito. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your first Monster. It reverses the polarization of the earth, and un-skews spiritual ideologies. I eagerly await that day.
    Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
    melancthe at 2008-02-13 04:53 (UTC) (Link)
    a bright, fluorescent green light, shining into the crevices of those who would do wrong

    This sounds surprisingly exciting. *shifty eyes*
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 04:56 (UTC) (Link)
    My single most favorite thing that you do - the one thing which defines you, and no matter the circumstances makes me giggle, is your *shifty eyes*

    I could never convincingly pull that off. You ma'am, embody it.

    Edited at 2008-02-13 05:02 am (UTC)
    CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
    celtmanx at 2008-02-13 05:27 (UTC) (Link)
    I'm a deformed megalomaniac.
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 05:30 (UTC) (Link)
    ROFLMAO! Yes you are. *tears* OMG dude - that's too funny.

    Tomas Gallucci
    schpydurx at 2008-02-13 06:23 (UTC) (Link)
    Did you find the monster bikini (that sounds so wrong!) shot fully in tact, or is that some mad skillz that put the Monster where it is?
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 06:55 (UTC) (Link)
    I have the 1024x768 wallpaper on my server if you'd like it.
    irulan_amy at 2008-02-13 06:27 (UTC) (Link)
    They have coffee varieties?

    I had no idea.

    Also, gold star to you for referencing the space guild. :D
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 06:55 (UTC) (Link)
    This post was meant to be informational. I'm thrilled you walked away with something from this.

    And we might have to unfurl Dunecat.

    snapper521 at 2008-02-13 20:38 (UTC) (Link)
    Sir, I believe you to be quite delusional.

    Monster drinks are merely that... just some fancy power drinks meant to help you stay awake and bounce off the walls so you can imagine that you aren't getting old and that your body will continue to support your insanity. No miracle working powers will result from drinking said liquid... and if anything it would decrease your "powers" because you would crash like a 747 into the gulf after running out of fuel! You'll be nose down in the ocean and out the $10 it took to buy you your high.

    I realize that the "FDA" has supposedly "cleared" this brand of power drink. However all power drinks are dangerous for your health. Even when only taken in small quantities.

    Let us examine the side effects of drinking them shall we?:

    1. Gives you a high, or hyper state of mind in which you can [supposedly] function under.

    2. Raises your blood sugar, putting unnecessary stress upon your pancreas. It could be argued that they do do the same thing as drinking a soda... however that is kind of my point.

    3. Takes money out of your wallet which could be potentially used for something more substantial and/or worthwhile.

    4. Causes you to crash.

    So... is it worth it to buy and guzzle these? I think not.

    And I tend to wonder if you aren't just a tiny bit addicted. And any addiction is not a good thing.
    ehowton at 2008-02-13 21:08 (UTC) (Link)
    How did you get hieroglyphs to embed? Is that a special font pack? I couldn't read a word you typed - how very odd!
    (no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
    CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
    celtmanx at 2008-02-14 01:41 (UTC) (Link)

    FIRE BAD!!!
    CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
    celtmanx at 2008-02-14 23:56 (UTC) (Link)
    I almost had a Monster today but I forgot to get it at check out!!! I remembered your Galactica though.
    ehowton at 2008-02-15 00:06 (UTC) (Link)
    glodowg at 2008-02-15 03:40 (UTC) (Link)
    I tried the Loca Mocha today. It had a bit of a twang but other than that pretty good. I was fading fast on my way home from work and since I was at teh store anyway, I picked one up. It is now 21:39 and I am wide awake and raring to go. This is a bad thing. I am sure 6:00 will come extremely early in the morning.
    ehowton at 2008-02-15 03:49 (UTC) (Link)
    Excellent news! The Loca Mocha is the one with a hint-of chocolate. I really can't wait to taste the four new flavors!

    I was at SAM'S CLUB today and they sell a 12-pack of Java Monster for $1.61 per can. That's 4 (four) each Big Black, Loca Mocha and Mean Bean.

    I understand about being wired-for-sound late at night when you need to be up early, ready to face the day, and here's what I do:

    I check my coordinates and call in an Airstrike of Monster! BAM!
    CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
    celtmanx at 2008-02-18 16:07 (UTC) (Link)
    24oz. MegaMonster [WIDE MOUTH]. (No more than 2 x daily recommended.)

    I downed 2 of these on my way to Granbury this morning at 6:30. I really am peeing green now.

    No joking!!!
    hiro_antagonist at 2008-03-05 06:10 (UTC) (Link)
    How does it (the default monster) taste in comparison to Red Bull?
    ehowton at 2008-03-05 06:22 (UTC) (Link)
    I've never been a big fan. Of course Monster marketing thought aloud, "I wonder what would happen if we sold twice the volume for the same price as Red Bull?" Coupled with the fact that as I have traveled all across this globe, Monster is the only energy drink which works for me, is a win.

    Opinions on its flavor vary greatly, but I hold to my, "If God himself had dropped fruit from the heavens instead of manna" theory.

    Sweet and (otherworldly-fruit) fruity.

    Makes Red Bull taste like cough syrup.

    Nice to meet you. I've seen you around.

    v3n0me at 2008-05-18 18:53 (UTC) (Link)

    is it bad?

    So, is it a bad thing that i can drink the Java Monsters and not feel any different?

    Several days ago I drank two of these and then not too long afterward I went to sleep...I don't think they work for me anymore.
    ehowton at 2008-05-18 19:02 (UTC) (Link)

    Re: is it bad?

    I think they do what they need to do. Like Pepto-Bismol - its more about being regular than one or the other. Its all about balance. Sometimes I drink one right before bed to sleep really well. Othertimes I drink them to stay awake.

    They really are magical!
    thesweetestnote at 2009-02-04 23:50 (UTC) (Link)
    I haven't read through the 121 comments here. So this may have been mentioned. First thing to come to mind is the Futurama episode "Fry and the Slurm Factory". 20th Century Fox must really keep an eye on YouTube because I couldn't find any episode clips. But did happen to find this commercial.

    Just from reading your review I feel hooked on the Monster. I must try this wonderful beverage!

    I will report my findings.
    ehowton at 2009-02-05 00:08 (UTC) (Link)
    I will report my findings.

    Please do! I mean, I love cats - I'm a cat person - but I would never lift their tail and lick that nasty cat ass...which is exactly what its like cracking open a can of Rock Star when they're out of my beloved MONSTER. Furthermore, after a can of MONSTER, I can close my eyes, inhale, and smell all the swirling colors of the universe as I accurately predict future events. Rock Star is like drinking a regular ass-flavored soda - nothing happens. NOTHING HAPPENS!
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