The Empirical Manifesto

I'm typing this comment naked.

When I think about you I masturbate!

I'm having a birthday party over the weekend, and one of the invitees, who's been trying my patience somewhat of late, told me yesterday that she was bringing two friends with, neither of whom I know. She'd previously asked me if she could bring them, but I would have looked churlish if I'd said "Fuck you, no", so I gave unenthusiastic assent. She pointed me towards the journal of one of them, and he looks like a pretentious and contrived twatwaffle. I really don't want them around, especially since I plan to drink LOTS of booze and I'd prefer to only be in the company of my (similarly drunk) good friends, just in case I, er, misbehave.

So now I'm all pissed-off about it, and there's nothing I can do about it without, you know, ruining the party atmosphere.

I grit my teeth when I smile at people I hate at work.

When I think about you I NEVER masturbate.

I have not been to work on time in three months.

I am afraid people will recognize me if I post some of my scandalous secrets.

Nothing good can come from this exercise.

I love it! I will be on the edge of my seat for days. Feelings will certainly be hurt, people will cry, relationships will be changed...

Anonymous commenting... what could go wrong?

I miss those videos!

COME ON PEOPLE, WHERE'S THE SCANDAL?

my mother is not going to like this one little bit.

There were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

I masturbate every morning. It usually makes me late for work.

I hate it when people talk to me.

I once hit a pedestrian with my car.