October 22nd, 2007

Eric

Assholes


I'm rolling thunder, pouring rain

Assholes. We all know one. They're out there, amongst us. They look like us, they move like us, and sometimes, frighteningly enough, some can outwardly imitate us. I'm not talking about the ones on Capitol Hill, or the ones we hear about on the newsroom floor. No, I'm talking about your co-worker, your neighbor, your classmate...your friend on livejournal. They stand united, which makes them stronger than us. They fight mercilessly, which makes them stronger than us. They play by their own rules, which makes us the weaker opponent. And they taunt us daily.

I'm coming on like a hurricane

Who are these assholes? Most of them are bullies. They use their physical size to intimidate us, or their use of words to cut us down. These are not sane persons. They live only to better themselves and to destroy others. They take up two parking spaces in the parking lot...even when its raining. They match the speed of the person in the lane next to them so you cannot pass. They talk loudly wherever they are. They taunt you with their eyes while doing so - daring you to confront them. They leave their bluetooth headset in their ear. They park too close to your car. They block traffic at the grocery store with their blinker on to get a closer spot while waiting for another car. They take the last of the coffee and don't make another pot.

My lightning's flashing across the sky

There is no reasoning with an asshole. And they cannot be befriended. If they're pleasant to you, but acidic to others...its only a matter of time before they get bored and look to you as their new prey. But there is a defense. Its faster than running, and its stronger than fighting. Its more witty than sarcasm, and oh so easy to do. Best of all, its 100% effective, and befuddles even the most heinous and hardened asshole. Simply put, its not being an asshole back. In some ways, its even worse than being an asshole, because of the satisfaction one feels at watching it work. The expression of the asshole usually changes to something akin to disbelief. As if he's been bested at his own game, yet, not understanding how. Over time, and given enough patience, a small percentage of assholes can be converted. And though it would be counterproductive here to suggest you don't waste you time, by all means, always practice not being an asshole back and you'll likely build within you a self-confidence you never knew you had.
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