August 19th, 2012



In my search for symmetry, I struggle to stay on the middle path between two extremes. This is a challenge because my nature is to bolt for the other side of the playground seesaw in order to more quickly gain equilibrium rather than to still myself in the center and await it to come naturally. As a patient man I find that particular waiting excessively unnerving. Logic screams to act rashly in the opposite direction to quickly restore order, and yet that action would upset the very balance I seek to restore. Acting in an opposite extreme is, no matter the outcome, still acting extremely. For the first time in my life I question the end justifying the means.

Identifying those extremes seems to plague me and me alone. Sidestepping landmines is an exacting and painstaking endeavor - the outcome being peaceful reward - but other ideologies seek a shorter and more dramatic quality of life over a balanced existence. I do not begrudge them theirs as they begrudge me mine. Balance means allowing both to coexist peacefully.

And yet I question whether my actions are but a reaction to a short-term phase in the comprehension of life, or a fully-realized evolution of my path. The former would be reprehensible, the latter inevitable. With whom do I discuss these things with? No one. I seemingly have no peers, and certainly no one who isn't fully vested in my every movement, my every indecision. They are a crowd of people standing at the base of a tall building, reacting to every false start, every turn as I contemplate jumping. Each with their own agenda - casting lots amongst themselves and betting on the outcome. Some will win, and some will lose, yet I remain, perhaps precariously, balanced. But for how long?

Much as a gymnast requires a severely disciplined body to stay aloft without falling - exercising all muscle groups so they work together in effortless harmony, so must I have an equal command of all my facilities in order to attempt the complex maneuvers of balance in life. External motivation is a welcome booster shot to those of us intrinsically motivated, but we've learned to not rely upon its fragility for any length of time, lest it shatters while we're atop it. It doesn't matter where we are who we're with or what we're doing which defines us. What does matter is how we're doing it. Some external influences strengthen, and others sap - these require cataloging and careful navigation - but at what cost? Is balance truly sustainable or is it the only thing worth sustaining?

Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction. Be worthy of your advantages.

I question my actions, I do. But I question them with the diversity of of disparate ideologies. I dismiss those who feel more strongly about their opinions than I do my own, because my uncertainty stems from a modifiable worldview. The ignorant ones are those who do not question that far down; who rely upon what they currently know as the beginning and end of all they'll ever need to know.

Am I in too deep or not in deep enough? Why will no one who matters contemplate these things with me from a bird's eye view? Honest theoretical discussion without ichor. I'm not asking for automatic and instant understanding of everything I imagine, merely a desire for mutual understanding. Acknowledge your own doubts as I acknowledge mine, question your motivations rigorously, but above all crave wisdom; fight for it if you must. Battle fire-breathing dragons against all odds to live a life worth living whether that life is for its extremism or for its balance - I don't care as long as you do.