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How about a nice tall glass of liquid ass?

Posted on 2008.06.13 at 19:28
Current Location: 75409
Current Music: The Rolling Stones - Beggars Banquet

A couple of years ago I was here at work and becoming increasingly uncomfortable, as my nuts were getting more tender by the moment. I got home and my wife wanted us to go grocery shopping, and kept yelling at me to keep up. I was having difficulty walking. "What is wrong with you?" she kept asking. I didn't know how to answer. We made it home and after awhile I got the kids down in bed and she was calling me from the other room. "Coming!" I hollered and made my way toward her. Frustrated with my lack of progress, she starts toward my location and finds me crawling to her. Unwilling to take any more of my apparent nonsense, she screams, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Unable to further dissuade her, I come clean. A $100 trip to the emergency room having my balls sonogrammed coupled with a follow-up visit to my doctor the next morning (where she reads my file, looks at me and says, Let's see 'em all the while motioning with her hands for me to expedite the unveiling). Her diagnosis? Acute epididymitis. Translation: "You had a little infection, but now its gone."

Which is why I usually eschew the emergency rooms these days. Too little return on the investment.

After my inexplicable fever last week however - which came with no other symptoms, I noticed something was wrong. I couldn't tell you how, exactly, but I thought I'd pulled a back muscle laying prostrate those sixty hours. Until my nuts started aching. To the point it would sometimes take my breath away. I suffered all week waiting for this ballet of pain to work itself out or manifest itself in some way I would be able to identify it. I finally made an appointment to see my doctor yesterday. Things played out fairly quickly at that point.

My tests came back negative for signs of kidney stones or a hernia, so the doctor pulled two vials of blood to be sent off for tests. He asked me not to eat breakfast, and called me personally the next morning to tell me he wanted me to get a CAT SCAN.

I was at the hospital by 1000. And staring at a tall glass of berry-cold liquid. The nurse was speaking to me as if I were a geriatric, "If you can finish this drink in the next half hour, we can scan you at 1130."

"This glass?" I say, pointing to the drink on the other side of the counter.

"Yes. If you can finish it in the next half hour, we can scan you at 1130," she repeats.

I reach for the glass, and down it while standing at the counter. It tasted like complete ass. Berry-flavored ass. But it was cold. Made it easier to go down. When I set it down I licked my lips. Everyone in the back office is staring at me. "We've...we've never seen anyone drink it that fast."

"I was thirsty."


By 1400, my doctor calls me again: Kidney Stone.

I have an appointment Monday with the urologist.


codekitten at 2008-06-14 00:52 (UTC) (Link)
ack! good luck!
ehowton at 2008-06-14 00:54 (UTC) (Link)
ack! Thanks! I'm forcing the liquids this weekend...
hiro_antagonist at 2008-06-14 01:23 (UTC) (Link)
Hope you feel better soon!
ehowton at 2008-06-14 01:42 (UTC) (Link)
Thanks dude. I'm all atitter that medical science will be able to provide some sort of non-evasive procedure to minimize my discomfort. And if not, lots of good narcotics.
catttitude at 2008-06-14 01:37 (UTC) (Link)
I am glad I nagged you to go to the doctor. Use that insurance, you pay for it.
ehowton at 2008-06-14 01:47 (UTC) (Link)
While it was nice to get some sort of validation to my generalized pain, I'd much rather not be anticipating the possibility of passing a stone this weekend.
galinda822 at 2008-06-14 03:07 (UTC) (Link)
When my Dad's wouldn't pass they put him in an ultrasonic bath to break them up into teeny tiny pieces - easier to pass. Hopefully yours will pass on their own without causing you any further pain.
*fingers crossed*

BTW...now I understand the berry flavored ass drink comment from the other day. :)
ehowton at 2008-06-14 03:25 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you ma'am. And you may find this hard to believe, but that comment was from early this morning. ITS BEEN A LONG DAY!
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2008-06-14 03:55 (UTC) (Link)
Kidney Stones, Damn your getting old!!!

Next it will be your prostate!!!
ehowton at 2008-06-14 14:51 (UTC) (Link)
Gotta love those prostrate checks.

(Deleted comment)
ehowton at 2008-06-14 14:51 (UTC) (Link)
Just wait until you can see 40 over the horizon! I've got two more years before I'm suppose to fall apart. Thanks dude.
(Deleted comment)
irulan_amy at 2008-06-14 22:32 (UTC) (Link)
Berry ass. Ick. I'm sure drinking it faster was better than sipping it. The taste lingered less anyway. *pats*

That just bites. A lot. I have to say, I had no idea that a kidney stone could lead to nuts related pain.

:( I hope you feel better soon...
ehowton at 2008-06-14 22:48 (UTC) (Link)
Nor did I. And while the saying you learn something new everyday still stands, I wasn't expecting to have to *experience* something new everyday!
prog_guy69 at 2008-06-15 01:43 (UTC) (Link)
About a month and a half ago, I had to go to my doctor's office for a blood sugar test. I had to drink this super sweet orange crap. I had to drink it in 10 minutes and I downed it in 5. I could not slam it like you did with the "berry liquid ass" because it was too cold.

My results led my doctor to tell me to lose weight and cut back on fats. At least I wasn't told I had kidney stones.

Sorry, dude. I hope it/they pass with as little pain as possible (though I've heard that they hurt like hell).
ehowton at 2008-06-15 14:18 (UTC) (Link)
Thanks dude, but I'll give you the super-sweet-orange crap as it sounds worse. Remember when you were a kid, and you started making your own Kool-Aid but sometimes you'd mix in the flavor and forget the sugar? Yeah, that's whats this tasted like. Cringe-fully bitter.

Based on my assumptions alone (and I suck as self-diagnosis), the stone is too large to pass, which is the only reason I'm going to the urologist tomorrow - so they can look at ultrasonically disintegrating it. But that's just a guess. I mean, otherwise - why all the hurry?

Enjoy your weekend.
photogoot at 2008-06-15 18:28 (UTC) (Link)
Ouch! Not fun. I was actually present when a room mate of mine in the military passed a kidney stone. It was God awful horrible! Sorry, that wont help your state of mind while you wait for the "coming".

Personally I blame the Monster drinks for this turn of events. Monster is a substance which should not be introduced into our precious bodily fluids, it can only lead to an ultimate loss of essence. And that is no post-war Commie conspiracy, I assure you! You do not have to avoid Monster all together I am just saying should from now on deny Monster your essence.

Good luck my friend!
ehowton at 2008-06-15 18:45 (UTC) (Link)
Personally I blame the Monster drinks for this turn of events.
See upcoming post, "ehowton wrestles the monster"
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2008-06-23 01:28 (UTC) (Link)
While I was at work today, I was thinking of this post and realized that no one was asking you the tough questions. For instance: We know that because you like yoru exotic fruits and veggies liquified you'd be acquainted with various "berry" flavors, but the question that everyone failed to ask is, "How do you know what ass tastes like?"

Most people would dare not ask this question, but not I. As a highly trained blogger, I ask the questions that no one else dares to ask.
ehowton at 2008-06-23 02:32 (UTC) (Link)
Once, in a fit of passion, I licked my wife's armpit with my tongue completely unfurled, not knowing she'd applied antiperspirant upon exiting the shower. Applying a vasoconstrictor to that organ is something one never forgets.


Once you've been married a decade or so, there's not a lot of places your tongue hasn't been on your wife.

Case closed.
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