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Eric Mass

Loss of Authority

Posted on 2008.06.20 at 09:45
Current Location: 75070
Current Music: Silvestri - The Mummy Returns
Tags: ,

I have a friend on here who very occasionally wears a mohawk. I wish I could get away with that sometimes! How very awesome to have that sort of freedom of expression - challenging others preconceptions. I grew up far too conservative for that type of behavior and it certainly wouldn't gain me much now anwyay.


So drax0r and I are sitting outside on a bench discussing this - I wore my hair down yesterday (which my wife hates, thus prompting her to suggest it was time for a haircut) and I was mentioning to a man who grows his thick hair and beard out every three months then shaves his entire face bald; repeat - that having long hair gave you more options. I told him that since I couldn't justify a mohawk, and that you can do more with hair than just a ponytail, that I would walk in here wearing pigtails today!

"I'd like to see that." He said.

It was time for me to put the kids down last night and my neck was hot from my hair, so I went to pull it back and thought I'd try it out. Let me tell you, I had no idea how retarded it was going to make me look. I mean, jaw-dropping OMGZ! And really - I've not seen pigtails on man or woman, gay or straight, ever. In fact, I've not seen pigtails on anyone over the age of nine, and now I know why! And I don't mind telling you this: I wanted to beat the shit out of me and I'm not a violent person!

Regardless, I retire to the North Wing of the house to put the children down.

They couldn't stop staring. My daughter specifically was quite vocal about her disdain. So we got the camera out so the children could photograph me. When they were done, they wanted me to take a picture of them. They stood next to each other and smiled for a pose. I brought the camera up to my face and my son throws out gangsign. I lower the camera. "Son," I begin, "That's not necessary, please don't do that."

"Yes sir." He says, and lowers his arms to his side. I bring the view finder to my eye and he throws out some different gangsign. I lower the camera. "Son," I say again, more forcefully, as in my smallish daddy brain, I must've not properly conveyed my intentions to his behavior. "That's dumb, please don't do it. Do you understand?" My son nods his comprehension and places his palms on his thighs, straight armed. I bring the camera up and my son tosses up some gangsign. "GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I snap. He doesn't know. He cannot discern why he's unable to have his picture taken without acting out. I chose to tell a story:

When your Uncle Kevin was a little boy, he used to dress like a clown, mixing harshly colored plaids with earthtoned argyles and pastel pants with brown saddle shoes. When your Grammie tried to correct him, he would scream and cry until he was allowed to leave the house dressed like a clown. People would snicker, because he looked so silly. Years later, when he was all grown up, we were looking at pictures of ourselves when we were kids your age, and Uncle Kevin found many pictures of himself dressed as a clown, and he got angry at Grammie, asking, "Why would you let me dress like this?" But Grammie told him the truth, that he refused to leave the house any other way, and Uncle Kevin felt foolish, because he wished that he had pictures of himself in which he wasn't dressed like a clown.

When I finished my story I explained to my son that when he was older, and he looked back, he would likely get angry at me and ask me, "Dad, why did you let me throw down gangsign, it makes me look really dumb." And that I was trying now, to prevent this future event from occurring. He nodded his understanding, and as I brought the camera up, he tossed out some gangsign.

My son may be retarded.

Then again, my hair was in pigtails when I was telling the story, which stripped me of any authority I might have had on the matter:


Cat Who Likes OpenBSD
bsdcat at 2008-06-20 15:01 (UTC) (Link)
One of the artists here sometimes wears braided pigtails, and his hair is about as long as yours. Aside from being unusual, it doesn't actually look all that bad.
ehowton at 2008-06-20 15:04 (UTC) (Link)
My wife braided two down the back of my head this morning, then tied them together behind me - but I am simply not cool enough to walk into work looking like that above picture! I look like the Elvis-just-prior-to-his-death version of Pippi Longstocking!
galinda822 at 2008-06-20 15:23 (UTC) (Link)
You're HOT! *giggle*
ehowton at 2008-06-20 15:39 (UTC) (Link)
I finally found something I wasn't able to pull off!
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-06-20 15:43 (UTC) (Link)
Hmm. While it's certainly a striking look, I think that some eyeshadow and lip gloss would assist your appearance even more.


I, er, wore pigtails the other day. Only while I was at home, mind you, but it didn't look as awful as you've suggested they look. ;)
ehowton at 2008-06-20 16:17 (UTC) (Link)
Based on my experiences last night, I'm guessing you'd have a 100% success rate with that, compared to my zero.
wardlejew at 2008-06-20 16:05 (UTC) (Link)
Oh! To see that scene! A father attempting to have a serious discussion with his son while his hair is in pigtails. Meanwhile the daughter is trying to figure the whole thing out. What score would you put to that scene?!! Thanks for the Friday laugh!
ehowton at 2008-06-20 16:16 (UTC) (Link)
Elfman's Pee-Wee's Big Adventure :P
glodowg at 2008-06-20 17:08 (UTC) (Link)
I could look onethousand times one thousand and giggle each and every time.... and I do mean giggle!!!!!!!!!!!! You know the closed mouth, trying to keep it in kind !
ehowton at 2008-06-20 17:15 (UTC) (Link)
The story about the gang sign? Yeah, that's some funny stuff. Glad you enjoyed it!
hiro_antagonist at 2008-06-20 17:42 (UTC) (Link)
But you look so cute and innocent!
ehowton at 2008-06-20 18:18 (UTC) (Link)
There is something about pigtails which denote innocence, isn't there?
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2008-06-20 23:26 (UTC) (Link)
My wife wears pigtails around the house all the time and I find it extremely sexy!!!

Of coarse this may also explain why I prefer my woman well groomed!!!
irulan_amy at 2008-06-21 03:23 (UTC) (Link)
Curious - does she wear them Vala style or higher?
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2008-06-20 23:27 (UTC) (Link)
I look at that picture of you with pigtails but some how I see your father!!!
ehowton at 2008-06-21 00:21 (UTC) (Link)
I'm turning into him more each day.
irulan_amy at 2008-06-21 00:27 (UTC) (Link)
That is priceless. Just a little pink lip gloss and you are set. ;)

Pigtails are hard for even a female to pull off. I wear low ones sometimes but I feel like a 10 year old.

Where did your son learn gang signs anyways? I'm trying to picture them doing, and it makes me giggle. Does he try to pull a tough looking face too? ;)
ehowton at 2008-06-21 00:55 (UTC) (Link)
I think I'll skip the gloss, thank you very much. And one can only assume since he's left the nest and started primary school, that he picks these things up from his mates. Where they get it God only knows. I mean, some parents must be just moronic automatons because he comes home with some of the most outrageous claims.

I'm likely going to get my ass kicked some day by an irate parent, because in no uncertain terms I tell my son that if little Billy's dad really lets little Billy do [some inane age-inappropriate thing] that Billy's dad is an idiot and doesn't care about little Billy's well-being.

Gangsign! Sheesh!
prog_guy69 at 2008-06-21 00:39 (UTC) (Link)
Well that is the most amusing picture I have seen in a long time. I've been lazy and let my hair grown longer than it has ever been before, but I still don't look like that (thank goodness). It is not exactly your look. At least you had a little fun with it.

ehowton at 2008-06-21 00:48 (UTC) (Link)
heh - It might be time for a flattop.

prog_guy69 at 2008-06-21 01:24 (UTC) (Link)
I remember when drax0r had a pony tail almost down to his butt-crack... His hair was super long when I first met him at "The Feed Bag." Cheeseburger with mustard only with fries and a soft drink. Dad was normally a patty-melt plain, fries and iced tea. Ah, those were the days.....

ehowton at 2008-06-21 01:34 (UTC) (Link)
Dr. Pepper?

Edited at 2008-06-21 01:47 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
ehowton at 2008-06-22 04:26 (UTC) (Link)
Pippi, Pippi Longstocking if you say it fast its funny...
codekitten at 2008-06-23 01:59 (UTC) (Link)
sorry but I LOVE IT on you!
ehowton at 2008-06-23 02:27 (UTC) (Link)
My father was disappointed that it was not braided.
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