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Arctic Lust, Pt. 1

Posted on 2008.07.02 at 14:48
Current Location: 75070
Current Music: Captain & Tennille - Muskrat Love

The wind was blowing something fierce outside, and it was dark out, too. Loneliness and dark seemed to ride alongside each other, hand-in-hand, like spiteful lovers. Sleet had been falling since dusk, collecting together like positively-charged ions, encasing everything, not unlike a tomb. Ruby herself was covered in an ever growing layer of tiny balls of ice. A frozen sepulcher she thought. And though her thick layer of blubber kept her body warm, her heart was as cold as the frozen rain which covered her, causing an involuntary shiver.

Days before she'd been happy. For the first-time-in-her-life-happy. The kind of happiness that only being with a kindred spirit and mate can bring. Like having the missing piece to the puzzle of true joy all to yourself, and never sharing. And while it was true that Banjo was no walrus in the bedroom, she'd had her fill of whoring around the ice shelf and was content just to let him have his way with her every evening, because she knew his love was sincere. She often mused that one of the advantages of him being slightly-retarded was his capacity for lack of comprehension and the simplicity which followed. Ruby felt she would be able to keep him happy forever, as she spread her flippers for him once again.

Word had come that the walrus princess, Her Most Prismatic and Humble Majesty, Rubi the Demure had issued an edict that any non-walrus living on an ice shelf was subject to be eaten, effective immediately. There would be no more social intermingling among the species. And while Banjo hadn't understood what the missive had meant, nay, even what the word 'edict' implied, his simply curiosity had been sparked when Ruby turned and bit him, taking a chunk out of his backside. When he screamed like a weasel, her surprised bark led him to believe she was acting out of instinct alone, but then he saw her copy of the new ruling, and laid eyes upon the portrait of Her Most Prismatic and Humble Majesty, Rubi. The Deumre. And something snapped. That's when Ruby barked a second time, for another reason entirely. Banjo showed no mercy as he took her again.

HMPHM Rubi the Demure, it is true, was difficult to define. Her reign as princesses was characterized by legendary modesty and a heart which overflowed with compassion and grace. She ruled the known-walrus world with an iron bar wrapped gingerly in lightly-scented cashmere; an unprecedented move which had placed the walrus as the greatest power the caps of the earth had ever seen, supplanting the polar bears as the ruling class. And she was as wise as an entire council of walrii, which is how she managed to retain her position for as long as she had - there were none who could out-think her. With no known weakness to her character, she was already in the history books as the most fair of all rulers of all the lands, ever. Not even vanity touched her, despite her epic beauty being the basis of contemplation and admiration for all future generations until the end of time itself.

Banjo packed quickly and wordlessly that night, leaving before the sleet started while a crushed Ruby cried hot tears of loss. He never noticed. His mildly-retarded mind's eye kept playing over and over what he had seen. A walrus like no other. A walrus so magnificent that he could not even fathom his own existence without her in it. He grabbed the flier and set out to posses the unobtainable.



Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2008-07-02 22:15 (UTC) (Link)
You write such pretty bullshit.
ehowton at 2008-07-02 22:30 (UTC) (Link)
I hide riddles within riddles and master the double entendre. I have laid much before you - to dismiss it all would be foolish. Then again, that is what you excel at.

Good hunting, sir.
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2008-07-02 22:31 (UTC) (Link)
I don't give a fuck about the spoils.
ehowton at 2008-07-03 02:28 (UTC) (Link)
All will be revealed in Arctic Lust, Pt. II.
galinda822 at 2008-07-03 03:36 (UTC) (Link)
This story is soooooo suspenseful! I can't wait to see how it all ends. :)
ehowton at 2008-07-03 11:42 (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! I think it might hit the New York Times Top Ten list. I see this as a breatkthrough novel since its written as a work of fiction, I can exploit that market, yet based on true, real-life events, so I might get in the documentary niche as well!
galinda822 at 2008-07-03 03:37 (UTC) (Link)
ps: Love the "Current Music" selection too.
ehowton at 2008-07-03 11:43 (UTC) (Link)
You'll love my next posts' even better - check your inbox!
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-07-03 07:04 (UTC) (Link)
I want a Rubi action figure. Will they be fully poseable? Are the demureness and modesty sold separately?
ehowton at 2008-07-03 11:52 (UTC) (Link)
Due to a desire to exude the maximum amount of humility and humbleness, Rubi1, unlike the other action figures, has a fixed mandible and rear-flippers so she can't be posed as Ruby, who has 78 points of articulation. Think of the Rubi doll more as a static display of beautfy for your collection. It will surely be my biggest seller. I mean, who wants to act-out being a whore?

1. Cashmere-wrapped iron bar of rule sold seperately.
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2008-07-03 14:05 (UTC) (Link)
I'll say it again: You write such pretty bullshit. However, if you were to call frozen shit on a stick ickable, lickable excrement, it'd still be shit on a stick.
ehowton at 2008-07-03 14:10 (UTC) (Link)
For the love of Christ, you miserable, unoriginal, grabastic piece of amphibian shit, Stop fucking using my words as your own!

Go outside right now, experience your own life, and get back with me.

Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2008-07-03 14:29 (UTC) (Link)
Depressives don't want to be happy. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.
ehowton at 2008-07-03 14:42 (UTC) (Link)
Nobody likes a depressive. Depressives are depressing, and nobody wants to be depressed, or around someone void of life. Depressives should all be sent off, to Miranda, where they can lay down and DIE.

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