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The Charred Heart

Posted on 2008.12.19 at 06:35
Current Location: 75409
Current Music: Moby - Go: The Best Of

I wrote this poem back in May as a parody to some poetry a creepy stalker was sending to someone on my friends list, basing it off his stanza "your heart; charred of tenderness; like fragile meat left too long on a grill..."

Your heart
That beating organ in your chest
I'll crack you open
And dispose of the rest

My grill
White hot coals waiting
Your heart sizzles
I'm salivating

With hand-rubbed spice
Finger your aorta
I hate my life

With steak knife in hand
Succulent meat
Stike up the band!

I'm such a cannibalistic slut
If I can't have your love
You'll disgest in my gut.

It was well received and we laugh about it to this day. Yesterday, I mentioned that I was going to be grilling burgers. "Charred heart burgers?" was the reply.

I used to spend a lot of time making my own patties. I always started with ground sirloin and added my own spices. From a trick I learned from my father I would place the ball of meat between sheets of wax paper and flatten them using two heavy plates for a perfectly round disc of meat. But that was a lot of work. We were at Sam's Club several years ago trying to think of menu items for my inlaw's visit when I spied a box of 12 pre-formed 100% Angus beef patties for something like $13. What a deal! And so easy too! I've been buying them ever since.

We haven't been grocery shopping in a week or so in preparation for the kids being out-of-state over the holidays, and we're running low on supplies. My wife suggested hamburgers. I went to our local, small-town grocery store and discovered they only had non-Angus patties. Oh well, it was that or I was making them by hand. So, against my better judgment, I bought them and brought them home.

Later, when I pulled them out of the freezer to open them, I was horrified at what I saw, and the memory of the question I was asked earlier haunted me!

"Charred heart burgers?"


dawaioser at 2008-12-19 12:43 (UTC) (Link)
Dexter is envious. Your poem fills my heart with beefiness...er, um...I mean it's tasty and delicious. No, no...really, "it's lovely" says the vegetarian. ';)
ehowton at 2008-12-19 13:36 (UTC) (Link)
Its the sensuality at the core of it. Gets me everytime.
texas_tangent at 2008-12-19 13:06 (UTC) (Link)
OOOOOH. YUCK!!! Now that is disgusting.

Tell me you did not eat that.
ehowton at 2008-12-19 13:37 (UTC) (Link)
Propane ran out halfway through the first side. I had to finish them on the George Foreman. Yes ma'am, I did eat that. And let me tell you something - they weren't very good.
texas_tangent at 2008-12-19 18:50 (UTC) (Link)
I bet they were awful.

Better luck next time?

Next time are you going to actually make your own? They turn out so much better that way.
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-12-19 13:22 (UTC) (Link)
:D :D :D

So, did you actually cook them? I have enough faith in The ehowton Grilling ExpertiseTM to be sure that you managed to avoid the next few lines:

darkened by fire
no longer tender inside
tougher and hard to digest

(Oh, CD Shop Guy, how you brought the lulz!)
ehowton at 2008-12-19 13:43 (UTC) (Link)
Yes ma'am, I *actually* cooked them. Then I ate them. They weren't very good.

If I'm a douchebag, I want to be your douchebag.
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-12-19 14:28 (UTC) (Link)
Wow, who'd use a stupid line like that?

Oh. Wait. It's all coming back to me!
ehowton at 2008-12-19 14:53 (UTC) (Link)
Wow, who'd use a stupid line like that?

My guess? A douchebag.
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-12-19 15:10 (UTC) (Link)
Not my douchebag, I'll have you know.
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