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Grill

The Charred Heart

Posted on 2008.12.19 at 06:35
Current Location: 75409
Current Music: Moby - Go: The Best Of
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I wrote this poem back in May as a parody to some poetry a creepy stalker was sending to someone on my friends list, basing it off his stanza "your heart; charred of tenderness; like fragile meat left too long on a grill..."

Your heart
That beating organ in your chest
I'll crack you open
And dispose of the rest

My grill
White hot coals waiting
Your heart sizzles
I'm salivating

Marinate
With hand-rubbed spice
Finger your aorta
I hate my life

Sitting
With steak knife in hand
Succulent meat
Stike up the band!

Remorse
I'm such a cannibalistic slut
If I can't have your love
You'll disgest in my gut.


It was well received and we laugh about it to this day. Yesterday, I mentioned that I was going to be grilling burgers. "Charred heart burgers?" was the reply.

I used to spend a lot of time making my own patties. I always started with ground sirloin and added my own spices. From a trick I learned from my father I would place the ball of meat between sheets of wax paper and flatten them using two heavy plates for a perfectly round disc of meat. But that was a lot of work. We were at Sam's Club several years ago trying to think of menu items for my inlaw's visit when I spied a box of 12 pre-formed 100% Angus beef patties for something like $13. What a deal! And so easy too! I've been buying them ever since.

We haven't been grocery shopping in a week or so in preparation for the kids being out-of-state over the holidays, and we're running low on supplies. My wife suggested hamburgers. I went to our local, small-town grocery store and discovered they only had non-Angus patties. Oh well, it was that or I was making them by hand. So, against my better judgment, I bought them and brought them home.

Later, when I pulled them out of the freezer to open them, I was horrified at what I saw, and the memory of the question I was asked earlier haunted me!



"Charred heart burgers?"


Comments:


Misha
dawaioser at 2008-12-19 12:43 (UTC) (Link)
Dexter is envious. Your poem fills my heart with beefiness...er, um...I mean it's tasty and delicious. No, no...really, "it's lovely" says the vegetarian. ';)
ehowton
ehowton at 2008-12-19 13:36 (UTC) (Link)
Its the sensuality at the core of it. Gets me everytime.
texas_tangent
texas_tangent at 2008-12-19 13:06 (UTC) (Link)
OOOOOH. YUCK!!! Now that is disgusting.

Tell me you did not eat that.
ehowton
ehowton at 2008-12-19 13:37 (UTC) (Link)
Propane ran out halfway through the first side. I had to finish them on the George Foreman. Yes ma'am, I did eat that. And let me tell you something - they weren't very good.
texas_tangent
texas_tangent at 2008-12-19 18:50 (UTC) (Link)
I bet they were awful.

Better luck next time?

Next time are you going to actually make your own? They turn out so much better that way.
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-12-19 13:22 (UTC) (Link)
:D :D :D

So, did you actually cook them? I have enough faith in The ehowton Grilling ExpertiseTM to be sure that you managed to avoid the next few lines:

darkened by fire
no longer tender inside
tougher and hard to digest


(Oh, CD Shop Guy, how you brought the lulz!)
ehowton
ehowton at 2008-12-19 13:43 (UTC) (Link)
Yes ma'am, I *actually* cooked them. Then I ate them. They weren't very good.

If I'm a douchebag, I want to be your douchebag.
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-12-19 14:28 (UTC) (Link)
Wow, who'd use a stupid line like that?

Oh. Wait. It's all coming back to me!
ehowton
ehowton at 2008-12-19 14:53 (UTC) (Link)
Wow, who'd use a stupid line like that?

My guess? A douchebag.
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2008-12-19 15:10 (UTC) (Link)
Not my douchebag, I'll have you know.
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