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My Neighbor's Ass

Posted on 2009.03.13 at 02:30
Current Location: 75409
Current Music: Bernstein - Ghostbusters
Tags: , ,

My neighbor's ass is always causing me frustration. Its just sometimes *right there* there, waiting to be noticed - and notice I do! Its disconcerting and a couple of times has caused me to nearly lose control of my vehicle. I mean, I know its there, close by, but I'm rarely expecting it where it causes me trouble. I'd be embarrassed about it if I thought it'd do any good, but I know it won't. Most of the time it just makes me angry; an unexpected delay. My neighbor's ass is not bad looking - I've even mentioned this to my wife, just so she's prepared when it happens, but I don't think there's anything to be done about it.

You see, I live in a nice subdivision, and all these subdivisions reside in town. A rural town. And there is one house off the half-mile county road from the highway to our subdivision, and every so often, his donkey gets out in the road. The road is beautiful and twisty, and every once in a while I have to come to a complete stop because of that donkey blocking traffic. I don't know how it gets out, and I've seen the cops there on several occasions helping secure it in its pen, but every so often it just surprises me out on the road.

I found the following email in my inbox Thursday morning:

stay off the city forum with your insults-with respect I'm imforming you. it's your choice.

This from the same poster who, before we banned her, threatened, "you can't intimate me, with your actions. Laugh Now-tell your friends at the city office- No mess with Jesus Christ." Charming. Anyway, I mulled it over a little bit, and finally drafted my reply:


You've listed no repercussions for my non-compliance, which essentially turns your demand into a request. That being said, I'm disinclined to acquiesce. Furthermore you've suggested that I have a choice, yet haven't outlined an alternative course of action. This is problematic for two reasons. First, though you use the word, 'respect' there isn't anything respectful about your tone or request. Secondly, the word, 'inform' denotes the impartation of knowledge of a fact or circumstance, neither of which you've provided here. Due to these inconsistencies, I can't even begin to imagine what you were attempting to communicate, but it was altogether ineffective. However, because I'm not in the business of allowing random people to dictate my actions, I ask that you refrain from doing so in the future.

Thank you so much for your understanding,


I've been toying with the idea of getting a PlayStation3. My son overheard my wife and I discussing the pros and cons of such a multi-faceted device and very excitedly offered me $75. All of his savings.

And finally, I discovered a fatal flaw in my perfect plan: Shifting my narrowly-spaced small-footed Korean clutch in those freakishly formidable Frankenstein boots I bought, is akin to a brachydactylic with anaphia attempting to dexterously digitize a supermodel to completion.

It just ain't gonna happen.


fionnabard at 2009-03-13 13:17 (UTC) (Link)
Barbossa: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no".

Normally if you have to state the words, "with respect" you're not showing any.
ehowton at 2009-03-13 16:16 (UTC) (Link)
Means "no".

Two words: "HYS" "TERICAL!" Most of the time people don't know what they're walking into with me. The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded!
dentin at 2009-03-13 17:52 (UTC) (Link)
I not feared of you I GOT WEPON!

Hmm, these are not the droids I'm looking for...
ehowton at 2009-03-13 19:21 (UTC) (Link)
Auspicious! The email above came from user, "No Weapon" as in Isaiah 54:17 - No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.
mr_dowg at 2009-03-13 14:57 (UTC) (Link)
Ok....on the subject of the Playstation3......GET ONE!!!!! It is worth the investment just to have the blu-ray player! Also.....that means I can start getting TV Series on Blu-ray and still be able to trade back and forth with you!

ehowton at 2009-03-13 16:17 (UTC) (Link)
See, this is why I like you. Always thinking ahead...
thesweetestnote at 2009-03-13 15:22 (UTC) (Link)
What a roller coaster this post! Weee!!! At the start I was immediately conjuring up all kinds of ass related responses... lol to find you were speaking of a donkey...Awoh! Then my favorite part of the ride... your response to that lady. Magnificent! I would sooo hire you as my PR person.

akin to a brachydactylic with anaphia attempting to dexterously digitize a supermodel to completion.

Wordsmith genius! The brachydactylic was disturbing. However, the rest was awesomely delicious. Absolute mind candy! Of course the digitizing the model part... not your boot finding the clutch. That sounds pretty dangerous.

Enjoy your week off! :)

wait... that kinda sucks :( now I feel like I have to watch Empirical Manifesto re-runs.... hummm strange feeling indeed. lol. I'm such a groupie.

Overall - 5*****s, Two thumbs up!

heh... forgot to mention I just slammed a 24oz Monster.

Edited at 2009-03-13 03:24 pm (UTC)
ehowton at 2009-03-13 16:28 (UTC) (Link)
What a roller coaster this post!
HA! Thanks. I used to do these quite often, but I've been on a 'topical post' kick far too long. Glad you liked it!

l like I have to watch Empirical Manifesto re-runs...
You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally. This may afford me *more* time to post...

Overall - 5*****s,
Funny enough, I'm narcissistic enough to have a ☆ Five-Star Post ☆ tag. I've used it seven times out of 962 journal entries.

I just slammed a 24oz Monster.
"Oh my starry eyed surprise, sundown to sunrise
I dance all night, we gonna dance all night, dance all night to this DJ..."
thesweetestnote at 2009-03-13 16:48 (UTC) (Link)
You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally. This may afford me *more* time to post...


Yes! Of Course! I took it as a break from LJ.

Sweet! BTW When do you issue the fan club t-shirts!? lol

Edited at 2009-03-13 09:35 pm (UTC)
sacredyuja at 2009-03-13 16:14 (UTC) (Link)
Mmmm PS3 - GTA4.

Get it.
ehowton at 2009-03-13 16:18 (UTC) (Link)
Oh oh oh! I'd forgotten completely about GTA4! THANK YOU! (Do you know if the new Tiburon is on that one???)

drax0r at 2009-03-14 16:41 (UTC) (Link)
You're thinking about Gran Turismo 5. Sacred was talking about Grand Theft Auto 4.

ehowton at 2009-03-14 22:29 (UTC) (Link)
Oh. That's less cool.
dentin at 2009-03-13 17:49 (UTC) (Link)
I'm reminded of an episode of "The Brak Show", where Zorrac and Brak go to see the movie "Ass Disaster 4". Finally, as the credits are rolling, you see clips of them watching the film - which consists of cardboard-cutout animations of donkeys jumping off a cliff in various absurd ways. It's very funny, innocent, and cute.

Zorrac is of course complaining about how the film sucks.
ehowton at 2009-03-13 18:45 (UTC) (Link)
That is funny.
onthetrails at 2009-03-16 03:23 (UTC) (Link)
I prefer to refer to them as the Donkey's of Doom. Not quite the four horseman of the apocalypse but they could surely mess up your car or truck.
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