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Bottled Death

Posted on 2009.07.20 at 13:00
Current Location: 75070
Current Music: Giacchino - Speed Racer / The Best of Burt Bacahrach

A couple of weeks ago while my wife was out of town, my old boss and I met up with drax0r for some ice cold beer-a at the only bar in Anna, TX - Swagger.

After a couple of rounds, we ordered pub food from the menu and drax0r asked for the "Super Swagger Hot Buffalo Wings." Now I'm not a fan of Buffalo Wings, but what transpired will not soon be forgotten.

As soon as he placed the order the waitress attempted to dissuade him with warnings, but drax0r merely dismissed her with a wave of his hand announcing he'd had them here before. While that was true, what he didn't know was that they'd since changed the recipe.

The manager himself brought the wings to our table, and explained that they were now made with Dave's Insanity "Private Reserve" Hot Sauce, which came in an autographed, numbered bottle shipped in a tiny coffin - made from the Naga Jolokia "Ghost Pepper" which is currently the hottest pepper in the world at approximately One Million Scoville Units (for comparison a Habanero pepper is between 100,000-350,000). Furthermore, there was a contest of sorts that if any one person could clear a plate of ten in under five minutes (after signing a waiver), there would be a prize of a t-shirt, and a framed photograph of the "winner" on the wall.

He sat the dish down on the table and left. We all just stared at it.

Using only the pad at the end of our index fingers, drax0r and I each touched just the surface of a wing and popped it into our mouth. Several minutes later, when we were able to talk again, we attempted to articulate to our boss just how "hot" hot was. Apparently misunderstanding, she performed the same maneuver which caused her to begin beating us like a side of beef for misleading her. How she could've missed our reaction and words of caution were beyond us.

drax0r ordered a glass of milk and a slice of bread before proceeding - as water is a poor refreshment, usually just spreading around the pain. Milk binds to the capsicum, and the bread absorbs it. I called him a pussy and ate one.


In the midst of my bravado, he handed me a pepper which I resolutely popped into my mouth and chewed. Judging by his expression, it was something not only I shouldn't have done, but something he hadn't expected me to do. I found out later why - it was a raw Habanero. Now, I'm not going to say I'm tough, because that's not what happened. However, because the "Ghost Pepper" sauce was so freaking hot the Habanero had no effect whatsoever on me, and was in fact, rather refreshing comparatively.

His milk and bread arrived. He ate one, and we left a plate of eight.

Now drax0r and I enjoy hot & spicy food, but Dave's Special Reserve Insanity Hot Sauce is simply too hot to be used in foodstuffs. Of course as fate would have it, I rubbed my eye prior to washing my hands - and while that put a damper on things, certainly not as much as drax0r touching something else prior to washing his hands, which brought the evening to an abrupt halt.

I doubt I will try those again.


Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2009-07-20 19:12 (UTC) (Link)
I've heard of this Dave's Insanity Sauce from someone before (I think it was from teh lehah?). It sounded horrendous then too. Note to self: never try it!

And I chopped chilis earlier, then unthinkingly fiddled with my contact lens. Because I'm apparently dim enough to have forgotten the last time I did this. *facepalm*
ehowton at 2009-07-20 19:18 (UTC) (Link)
At least you didn't fiddle with something else. According to drax0r that's much worse than touching your eye!
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2009-07-20 19:23 (UTC) (Link)
... I've done that before. But in the interests of taste and decency, I shall refrain from sharing the details!
ehowton at 2009-07-20 19:28 (UTC) (Link)
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2009-07-20 19:29 (UTC) (Link)
thesweetestnote at 2009-07-20 23:58 (UTC) (Link)
Damn it! Look at what I miss taking a break. *sigh* I have heard of certian folk using certain hot sauces for anal sex. The human mind never ceases to amaze.
irulan_amy at 2009-07-21 02:33 (UTC) (Link)
I have a morbid curiousity...
texas_tangent at 2009-07-21 02:25 (UTC) (Link)
OMG. My sympathies. I know that capsicum really does not feel good, I messed with my eyes when I had jalepeno juice on it. I wear gloves now when I mess with them. I cannot imagine your pain considering that a jalepeno is not all that hot compared to a Habanero; or a ghost pepper for that matter.

Hope you recover soon.
ehowton at 2009-07-21 02:39 (UTC) (Link)
Other than feeling completely retarded (you know what I mean, you were standing directly behind the subject of this avatar when the shot was taken) it was only a mild annoyance compared to drax0r's urgent care needs.

(Deleted comment)
ehowton at 2009-07-21 04:41 (UTC) (Link)
I cannot disagree.
wardlejew at 2009-07-21 19:06 (UTC) (Link)
I've got two bottle of Habby Too sitting on my desk right now. My first taste, I almost cried and it was just a single small drop. Now I can dump a good amount on a hamburger and I love the small kick. I work with the guy who makes the stuff, an he said the "Ghost Pepper" isn't that hot, but then again, I don't think he has any taste buds left in his mouth. I just hope you are not experiencing more negative side effects today!

codekitten at 2009-07-22 13:28 (UTC) (Link)
"I rubbed my eye prior to washing my hands" omg! i always end up doing this too...even when i chant to myself "be sure to wash your hands after, be sure to wash your hands after, ..."

though drax0r's action sounds much worse...
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