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Posted on 2009.08.10 at 09:35
Current Location: 75070
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Nitrous Oxide (N20):

  1. Mild anesthesia in medical, aka Laughing Gas

  2. More powerful combustion in racing; NOS

  3. An oxidizer in freaking rocket motors

  4. Now creates the "carbonation" in the new MONSTER Nitrous?

That's right - MONSTER is now nitrogenated in their new line of mind-bending 'Nitrous' energy drinks. What does this mean to you? A smooth, creamy texture that only you fans of European stout will be familiar with. And to take advantage of this new process, four new flavors to bring out the best and worse of creamy smooth MONSTER, complete with an upgraded kick. Its telekinesis in a can. (Verification of my outrageous claims concerning the seemingly impossible feats of which MONSTER is capable can be found on The Original MONSTER Post.)
The new cans are but average capacity 12oz. cans utilizing the same cap can design as their 24oz. XXL/Mega sized sisters with a twist - they pack the same punch as the 16-ouncers! The three new soda flavors are Super Dry (sweet and sour lime), Killer B (honey and citrus), and Anti-Gravity (orange-mango). Very unfortunately, though the honey and citrus sound promising, the only thing more revolting than its pungent taste, is the hint of bile in its aroma. I do not suggest you try this variant.
The most useful application of this new process is found in their 6.75oz. X-Press "Hammer" espresso+energy. This canned espresso is made in the Netherlands and really benefits from the nitrous, making it a very creamy coffee drink. Starbucks eat your heart out! Bar none the best canned coffee I've ever had. Smooth and creamy with a bit of a froth which stays with you for the duration of the can. I'd buy it just for the best canned coffee, but knowing it also contains MONSTER'S proprietary consciousness-altering energy blend just makes it that much more satisfying. Understand you're nearly ten full ounces away from the original Java Monster so if its volume you're looking for, you won't find it here.
And while not nitrogenated, MONSTER 'Import' (18.6oz. can) is more than just a fancy label and unqiue re-sealable top which keeps your bubbly all fizzy and stuff. While the advertising suggest its more "European" flavored, as I've lived in Europe, I don't see it. Regardless, its eerily similar to the original MONSTER with a a slightly heavier taste - which means drinking a can of this will allow you to see into the future, effortlessly seduce women, and - if you so desire, ascend to a higher plain of existence. That being said, use with caution!
I recently came upon a beast of mythical proportions
Which I knew could not be slayed
I hadn't slept in a fortnight,
So I got down on my knees and prayed

I said "My name's Johnny and it might be a sin"
"But I'll take your bet, your gonna regret, 'cos I'm the best that's ever been."

I waited unsure, the beast approached;
A can of MONSTER materialized
Dumbstruck at my luck I gave it a pluck
As the can was floating before my very eyes

I popped that bitch and synthesized its contents;
Looked into the creatures soul
What a strange turn of events -
I comprehended its joy and its pain, then caused it to implode.

One's only conclusion you can accurately reach
Is that second only to making sweet love
The origin of this drink is clear to see
MONSTER's distilled from above.


Verification that my words are true from a 3rd party experience.

The Official Drink of Anna, TX.

My hosted HOWTO video ;)

The Original MONSTER Post.


thesweetestnote at 2009-08-10 16:58 (UTC) (Link)
You are the Jedi of Monster Energy. I need to talk to their marketing department. You could be their "Jared".
ehowton at 2009-08-10 22:29 (UTC) (Link)
MONSTER makes me feel whole. They wouldn't even have to pay me - just keep me supplied in MONSTER!
Melancthe the Woe, So-Called
melancthe at 2009-08-10 18:13 (UTC) (Link)
I had a Monster with my breakfast.

That I considered it entirely normal is all YOUR fault.
drax0r at 2009-08-10 20:31 (UTC) (Link)

Most days I have a Monster Lo-Carb for breakfast.

I find that its less effective if there's food to interfere with digestive absorption.
thesweetestnote at 2009-08-10 23:55 (UTC) (Link)
I buy Lo-Carb by the case at Sam's Club. Comes out to $1.18 a 16 oz can. One to slam... One to sip.

Edited at 2009-08-10 11:56 pm (UTC)
ehowton at 2009-08-10 22:30 (UTC) (Link)
MONSTER is great with every meal!
thesweetestnote at 2009-08-10 23:57 (UTC) (Link)
Even after it's been sitting 102 degree weather for hours! It's quite yummie all around
ehowton at 2009-08-11 00:06 (UTC) (Link)
I can't think of a time I won't crack that bitch open and put her to my lips. Now that I've said that out loud, I feel it applies to other areas of my life as well.
thesweetestnote at 2009-08-11 00:08 (UTC) (Link)
Yes. It's that good.
(Deleted comment)
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2009-08-10 21:28 (UTC) (Link)

Re: no pity

On this, you and I concur.
ehowton at 2009-08-10 22:30 (UTC) (Link)

Re: no pity

I offset my consumption by drinking more water than anyone else alive.
thesweetestnote at 2009-08-11 00:03 (UTC) (Link)

Re: no pity

It is not my intention to live forever on Earth. We are all dying. And Brian Setzer said it best in song:

"You've only got 60 years on the planet. And if you get anymore you're gonna wish that you hadn't"

Edited at 2009-08-11 12:04 am (UTC)
qualmsdotcom at 2009-08-11 03:44 (UTC) (Link)
I quit Monster to save for college. Sounds weird, but I used to drank can after can my senior year. I loved it, but it started to feel like I had a hole in my pocket. I felt slightly depressed for weeks after giving it up hah. Now I'm very tempted to buy this new kind. Just to try...I do miss Monster. Oh and the health concerns. My family has a history of heart problems, and pumping myself up on Monster probably won't help in the long run.
qualmsdotcom at 2009-08-11 03:45 (UTC) (Link)
drink* of course. I'm very tired. I didn't want to post another comment just to fix a typo, but the more I thought about it the more it bothered me.
ehowton at 2009-08-11 03:46 (UTC) (Link)
I suck at moderation, but I've managed to whittle myself down to a single can daily.

What can I say other than I'm a man of many excesses?

I do admire your strength though. I did give them up once. It made me weepy.
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