If you ever go down Trinidad
They make you feel so very glad;
Calypso sing and make up rhyme
Guarantee you one real good fine time
Jägerbombs. Fairybombs. Is the Food & Drug Administration going to make those illegal to drink in your own home? Are they going to start arming their body armor clad agents with P90s roaming for busts? What if you have a bottle of Jägermeister in your home, and also a can of Red Bull? Will this be considered paraphernalia and therefore cause for arrest?
Probably not. At least not yet. However, the FDA doesn't remember approving pre-mixed alcoholic energy drinks. Yes, they exist. Flavored malt beverages with the same time-shifting formula as in energy drinks. Think alcoholic Monster or Budweiser Energy.
But are they safe to drink? The FDA doesn't think so. Therefore, I set out to do a little experimenting on my own, volunteering my own body for science (the things I won't put in my body is a short list indeed).
There are some of my readers who eschew empirical data as flawed. Despite what I actually experience, they prefer whitepaper studies while never experiencing anything first hand themsevles, ever. Arrogant? Yes - these are the same people who'll argue with me about what I've experienced if it differs from what they've read. These pantophobics should not be allowed internet connections.
Here we go.
Sparks (The Steel Brewing Company) comes in both 6.0% and 7.0% alcohol by volume and tastes fantastic next to two 12% drinks, MAX Live (The Max Beverage Company) and Earthquake High Gravity Lager (Drink Four Brewing Company). All three came in gigantic 24-ounce cans.
I downed the Sparks on an empty stomach and immediately felt at peace. A depth of peace within myself, and with the world. It was very soothing having so much peace in me, and I wished more people had as much peace in their life as I was experiencing, because then we'd all just get along. I wanted to reach out and touch people. Physically touch them. I wanted to show them my peace.
I didn't feel dangerous, or threatening.
I was feeling so good about myself in fact, and everyone else on this planet, that I had a longing to drink another. A deep thirst ached from within and no amount of liquid would sate it. I needed another caffeinated alcoholic beverage. I upended Earthquake, got queasy, and passed out at an unprecedented 1900 hours. How very unexpected.
Drank the MAX Live the next day. Let me tell you, these drinks are one wild ride. I mean, they are a lot of fun. And cheap? These things are pretty inexpensive. Like a 40 of malt liquor inexpensive, but way more fun. Dangerous? Probably. More dangerous than anything else in your house? Unlikely. So who's responsibility is is to ensure you're drinking responsibly? If you answered, "The Federal Government" you deserve everything you get. Now go sit in the corner.
Several recent scientific studies published in peer reviewed journals demonstrate the dangers of mixing caffeine and alcohol. As these studies show, stimulants such as caffeine appear to mask the intoxicating effects of alcohol, which may lead to increased risk-taking and other serious alcohol-related problems such as traffic accidents, violence, sexual assault, and suicide.
From the above FDA statement, its clear to me that recent scientific studies don't demonstrate shit. I'm not upset by the FDA's motivation, rather their audacity. They're not dumb enough to suggest that violence and suicide don't take place without mixing caffeine and alcohol, but by only providing negative side-effects as a mere possibility they're doing me a great disservice.
The Andrew Sisters should be arrested. Suggesting one mix rum with Coke is akin to treason. So grab a case of these bad boys before they fly off the shelves, and vote to severely limit the Federal Government. Sure your risk-taking might increase. You might also find the love of your life, or discover a hidden talent. A little risk is healthy every now and then.
Just...always wear protection when you're wrestling with the Green Fairy ;)