Felt completely isolated amidst my very active family this weekend while I drank all the wine in the house.
Lonely. Mellow. Surreal.
I lock myself in my office after yet another romanticized dream about Korea. I was back on base, but it was more a campus and peach blossoms were drifting down from the sky on a perfect spring day. We'd arrived on a bus full of new arrivals and drax0r and I had gotten separated and I needed to find him because I'd been there before and he hadn't. I saw Phancy Nam from work, eating lunch in an outdoor cafe which was shaped like football bleachers. She smiled and waved, her face lit up from the morning sun. I was going to write my wife and tell her to keep my paychecks, that all I needed was a good bike, then I was downtown on that bike, still looking for drax0r. It was the downtown Korea from my dream about "Steve." Very Asian, very bustling. I couldn't wait to get back to base which was like those perfect shots of colleges where perfect couples and perfect people stand around in perfectly random patterns dressed perfectly while chatting enjoyably with perfect expressions on their faces which is nothing like real campuses. Why does my subconscious do this to me? Why does it glamorize my time there?I look up people with similar interests to my own on livejournal but they're not serious about the craft - to them its a passing fancy - something they blogged about once, four years ago.
I use the new LiveJournal text search but just like Google, it only returns my own entries. Is there not another out there? Am I truly all alone?
The more I dilute myself and broaden my search, the more hits start returning. Only...they're not real.
Fanfic. All returns which are not my own are works of fiction.
I can only draw one conclusion.
I live your fiction.
I am your fiction.
The longer I live, the more divorced from the mundanity of this world I become and you people romaticize *me* like a god from a Neil Gaiman book. The characters in your fanfic lack depth - while its true that I live the exciting life you write about, I also have flaws - and get sullen without the intimate interaction of others. Where's that in your fic?
Then again everyone could've just moved off to Facebook, I dunno.