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Part One: Light-Bringer

Posted on 2011.01.06 at 10:52
Current Location: 75409

I have this…”gift” we’ll call it for lack of a better term. Its the gift of joy. Its taken me many years to identify it as such, but that’s basically what it is. I exude it; excrete it. I pass it on to those around me. Its true some hate me for it, but the majority are drawn to me. I am “UP” nearly all the time I am around other people, spreading my joy – sharing it – openly and unabashedly. Nothing in my life has ever been diminished by doing so, and watching the results are always very rewarding.

My joy is also addictive. Many have asked how to create their own joy and I share with them openly. Nothing but good can come from everyone having joy in their life, and moreso if they can create it themselves. Like the fisherman and the fish though, some people only want to leech mine, because internal self-motivation is so entirely foreign to them, or they don’t want to put forth the effort required. This makes me sad, but doesn’t in any way lessen the joy I freely and willingly provide.

As an introvert however, I require equal parts downtime. What I do, this joy-distribution, takes an incredible amount of energy. Not the kind of energy sleep replenishes, but the kind required through quiet introspection and solitude. My blog is filled with stories and examples of this nature, the ebb and tide of my energy levels. In the early days of my marriage my wife would often suggest I “tone it down” in order to conserve myself and not run down so quickly. Those of you who are familiar with me know it takes just as much, if not more energy for me to do that. Anything which requires me not being entirely myself is a drain. This isn’t to say there aren’t certain people/events/activities which are more of a draw on my resources than others – accordingly I tend to avoid those as much as possible. I just always have to be cognizant of my surroundings.

People often say I have two speeds, “ON” and “OFF.” It probably seems that way to you, but I never switch off. What those people sometimes confuse “off” with is in actuality, “RECHARGE.” Equal time is ideal, but given the busy work/life schedule most of us endure (and I mean that purely as a term of endearment, for I truly love my job and life – It is, nonetheless draining at times) that is not always possible, nor prudent. I have no studies on how long I can run at a time as there are always so many minute variables throughout a given period and some people draw less than others while others are even capable of giving a little back.

During the Christmas break, I was on an unusually lengthy high. Given that I’d unburdened myself from the stresses of 12-months of work with a long family vacation however, this wasn’t immediately noticeable. Oh, everyone around me noticed – I just didn’t see it myself. Subconsciously (or blinded by my unnaturally peaked energy levels) I began to very overtly seek out the source of this power which was keeping me charged, much to the very conscious chagrin of those around me.

Eventually, I found it. An unending renewable power supply which is in turn fueled by my joy.

No more downtime required. Ever.

I’m currently working on creating my very own self-perpetuating machine.


michelle1963 at 2011-01-06 17:01 (UTC) (Link)
In my experience, many people do have trouble being joyful. However, another problem that arises concerning joy is that unlike you, people don't like to share. Some are rather greedy about joy when it comes their way.
ehowton at 2011-01-06 17:32 (UTC) (Link)
I can fully understand being stingy with something foreign - snatching it away and keeping it all to yourself to study its newness and familiarize yourself with it. Its all-encompassing.
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-01-07 01:03 (UTC) (Link)
I always knew you were gay even when you didn't think you were. I only wish I was as gay as you are all the time.
ehowton at 2011-01-07 01:09 (UTC) (Link)
Fret not! You are!
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-01-08 01:14 (UTC) (Link)
No, no I do try but I could never be as gay as you are all the time!!!
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2011-01-08 15:09 (UTC) (Link)
I recently wrote about how you taught me the difference between being an introvert and an extrovert and am trying to make sure I build plenty of recharge time into my schedule.

Speaking of things I need to do, I am going to review Black Swan soon. (Read hopefully this weekend.) Also, I recently came across Ennio Morricone's score to Zeffirelli's Hamlet if you're interested. And I've got tons more to write about in the near future.

I actually blogged while you were off the grid, so you have some catching up to do. Looking forward to having you back.
ehowton at 2011-01-08 15:39 (UTC) (Link)
I read that post - it was comprehensive. And I wouldn't say I'm back. I deactivated my Facebook account, signed off Twitter, culled my LJ FL and stopped using AIM.

Too many distractions.

Currently, I'm enjoying the simplicity of where I began, here on LiveJournal. I've read everything you've written, and you have a great group of commenters, those who are solely yours. And because you're not acting like a dick, or trying to get into anyone's pants, it looks like the beginning of some very long relationships. You've done well.

Along the same lines, in the post immediately following this one, I quote you. Not the you as you are now, but the you which you were. I hope you can appreciate the distinction. The quote was not a dig on you, rather, an illustration that many such as the old you still exist out in the world today.

Godspeed old friend.
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2011-01-08 20:11 (UTC) (Link)


I read that post - it was comprehensive.
I wasn't for sure if you were reading my posts or not. I don't know how you manage to do it, but somehow you stay off of my logs. Perhaps this is due to the fact that your read my posts via email?

Yes, I have noticed that my posts have become more comprehensive lately. I feel like blogging is a spiritual exercise for me. Blogging affords me the opportunity to take the things I have been experiencing and thinking, journal them and get other's feedback. Putting myself out there takes an act of faith, but I'm finding out that I'm a special and unique snowflake just like everybody else and that while my goals and ambitions may be exclusive to me, I am still human and have the same fears, wants and desires as everybody else on a basic level.

I would like to say that I've learned from you over the years, though it's hard to put my finger on something unique that you have taught me. I have strived to emulate you from time to time and I do seek your approval. You are, and will likely always be my Ideal Reader as Stephen King called it in his On Writing. I value your input, even if it appears I ignore it or it takes me years to accept that you're right.

And I wouldn't say I'm back. I deactivated my Facebook account, signed off Twitter, culled my LJ FL and stopped using AIM.
I've noticed that you haven't been on AIM. I always thought your presence on FB was nonexistent to begin with, though I think the truth of the matter is that neither of us have much use for that site. It was helpful during the election cycle, but now that I'm working and going to school full time, it's nothing but a distraction for me too. Thankfully, I never really liked Facebook to begin with.

I was surprised to see you come around on Twitter, but I must confess, I don't think you're well suited to it. I haven't seen you tweet in months, but then again, I follow a lot of people that tweet all the time, so your infrequent use would not likely reach my eyes.

I value Twitter though and count myself with the "old fogies" that prefer Twitter to Facebook. I can stay abreast of news in my circles of interest and have conversations with people I look up to or would otherwise not be able to communicate with. The reality of the situation is that Twitter is likely a distraction for me (it IS but I refuse to give it up entirely) but there is enough value in it for me to merit staying on the platform. I could give it up if duty calls and I think that you will see me in the Blue Nowhere less and less as both work and school kick into top gear, though I must say that I've been surprised at my recent blogging streak.

What I can say is that I've been blessed beyond measure, in part due to some decisions that I have made. I settled down at work and learned how to play well enough with others to finally move into a department that is more suited to my needs and personal growth. In the past few weeks, I have went from a poser in the gadget scene to a full blown junkie by seizing opportunities as they have come along.

For what it's worth, I'm still trying to extrapolate a useful interpretation to the meaning of a personal discovery: there are no games on any of my mobile devices. I did download a few free games from the Mac App store when that debuted and liked one of them, but I just can't get into allowing video games to suck my time away like that, True, I do have my weaknesses for other time sucks, and living alone doesn't help matters, but at least I can say I didn't waste my time playing games.

Edited at 2011-01-11 03:39 am (UTC)
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2011-01-08 20:12 (UTC) (Link)


Currently, I'm enjoying the simplicity of where I began, here on LiveJournal.
And I think it suits you very well and wouldn't recommend you leave here unless the site starts circling the drain. I too have decided to make LJ my home; what I don't know is if I will continue to pay for Xanga. I think I prefer the way Xanga handles photos, but I could be wrong. I do know that I have a lot of content ingrained in that platform, but I feel very little attachment to it and have felt that way for quite some time. There are a few people there I care enough to go check on every once and a while, but it's not as simplistic to get around as LJ; I hate the way friends lists are done on Xanga. It's still a great place for me to do my political dumps, so there's that.

I've read everything you've written, and you have a great group of commenters, those who are solely yours.
I'm truly honored. (And spelled truly correctly without having to resort to autocorrect!)

It has taken some time to build this new group, that's for sure. As I said in my post, I found someone that I liked interacting with newmistakes and started interacting with her friends. I think I'm correct in saying that every one of the new people on my list came from either newmistakes or from newfriends.

I know you don't like that community and I don't blame you. It's true that most of the people that post there flake out, but as we can see, I've had a bit of luck with it. In fact, for a moment there, I thought my FL was growing too fast for me to keep up with everyone. I have definitely embrace the LJ way of doing things and in a few instances, initially feigned an interest in topics because I thought that doing so would help me make some quality friendships.

I must say that I've enjoyed the increased interaction on my blog, something I was alway jealous of with your site. I've especially enjoyed that we have been interacting more on my site than on your site. I have been mentally tracking the change between how we interact ever since I came back to your blog; it's become obvious that we share very few friends and even fewer that are active on both of our blogs.

I have noticed that we have become more distant with each other. We have little to say on AIM, whether due to lack of time or subject matter we wish to discuss. I fully understand that each of us are maturing in our own way and realigning our priorities. I fully understand if this is the end of the road for us. I hope that's not the case, but a phrase I've used recently somewhere is I can feel the Fellowship breaking.

Please know that despite whatever paths we choose to go down from here, I have and always will appreciate your input even if I disagree with it and think its stupid. For full disclosure, I haven't enjoyed being the butt of your jokes for quite some time, though I think that we've both learned how to properly deal with the situation.

I'm encouraged by the fact that I wasn't culled off your FL, though a quick visit to your profile didn't look like you had untethered many. Did you simply cull your reading list?

I pray that, no matter where life may lead us, that if I am ever in your area, you would not be offended for me to call on you and buy you a drink. Or two. Or ten. It's been an interesting ride, but if the time has come to uncouple, I fully understand and will deal with it as best I can; I've been doing so anyway over the holidays.
Tomas Gallucci
schpydurx at 2011-01-08 20:12 (UTC) (Link)


You've done well.
Though the dreadful habit of seeking approval is one of my faults–among which I admit I have many–I do not think I can find the words to properly express how much it means to me to hear you say that. I wish I could have heard it more growing up or when I call/visit home. Perhaps I can come close by saying that I'm thinking of how I felt after the party of a lifetime:

Saying goodbye to someone you care about is always hard and this is no exception. I remember sitting in the DFW airport after the party of the century. I never expected it to hurt so bad leaving friends I had never met before, but I bawled like a baby not once but twice. It's like a loss of innocence thing…sometimes it just hits you what you've lost and you want to trade what you've gained to get the lost status back but it's too late.

I noticed you quoted me the second time I read your post. (The first time was when I woke up at 0130 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.) Somehow, my feathers weren't ruffled by it, perhaps because I have thicker skin now, but I do appreciate you explaining the distinction. To your eternal frustration, I still do think that way–I prefer being prepared–though I think I've come along way since I wrote those words.

Godspeed, old friend.
Those are the best parting words a friend could utter. I think I will go spend some time in quiet reflection.

Edited at 2011-01-08 08:13 pm (UTC)
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