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"Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!"

Posted on 2011.03.01 at 12:10
Current Location: 75070
Current Music: Giacchino - Speed Racer

"Mr. Bitey"

When my wife's cousin moved in with us, so did her cat Charley, aka "Mr. Bitey." Having three felines in the house is nothing we're unaccustomed to, except that this cat is not only the most vocal we've had since Niobe and Trinity - the Bengal twins - and their incessant echolocation, but also the loudest.

Where Marko's size is all fluff-masked-smallishness (and I seriously need to take pictures of this cat now that he's matured and filled out), and obese Tubbs is walrus-like in her numerous layers of fat, "Mr. Bitey" is a densely packed, lengthy and sinewy beast of prey, moving not unlike a panther throughout the house. And unlike my comparatively sedentary cats, this one is always on the move - this picture was part physical intervention and part intense fascination of the blinky-lights on the face of my camera.

Sadly, this cat is a sadist. It purrs - loudly - while biting the shit out of my fingers and hand. There is an unnatural pleasure this animal derives from attempting to maim my dexterous articulation which I would be unaware of excepting the greatly increased frequency and volume of purring. Sure the cat looks innocent enough - don't they all? But no, this cat wants to kill me. He is so lovey-dovey and friendly and purrific and shows what appears to be genuine affection as you stroke his head; he really gets into the petting....up until he traps my outstretched hand, and bites the shit out of it.

"Mini-Me, no, we don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mini- no! Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone. Just love him, stroke him."

Now Marko will do this when I'm annoying him, but Marko will warn me, and receives no pleasure from my pain. Even so, its not intolerable. Marko plays a game with my flesh called, "Catch and Release." That is to say, he bites - attempts to not puncture the skin, then (and this is the important part) *lets go* of me. Once Charley has sunk his not-insubstantial fangs deep into my hand, he tries to drag my carcass back to some unknown place, purportedly for the purpose of later gnawing.

Lastly, my other cats will occasionally make half-hearted attempts to enter the bedroom afterhours by pawing on the closed bedroom door. Not Mr. Bitey. No, Mr. Bitey likes to invert his paw, slip it under the bottom of the door, and flex his gigantic cat muscles until the screws securing the hinges of the door start to pull out of the wood. Its like having a hungry grizzly on the other side of that door. I cringe to think what he'd do if he ever got in. Consequently, Mr. Bitey spends a lot of time overnight in the garage.

Outside of my poor hand, Charley is fitting in well with the other cats - more of a cautious distance thing more than playful banter - but it already appears that he will integrate well with them. And once I get him into kitty counseling to help him learn how to not be a sadist, I'm sure he'll integrate well with the humans too. Though I alone do seem to the be object of his angst :/


quicksilvermad at 2011-03-01 20:24 (UTC) (Link)
Oh, you know why I used this icon. God rest Skippy's (or whatever his name was) gentle feline soul. He seemed like a nice cat

Damn! I'm betting Charley's one of those cats that pretends to be all: "oh, pet my obscenely soft belly, I certainly won't turn on you in a nanosecond, dig my claws into your forearm and proceed to gnaw off all of your fingers! Not me!"

It's always kind of creeped me out how cats can actually squeeze their bodies under doors.

This is why I like my dogs. The big one's worst weapon is his tongue and the puppy just gently moves my hand where he wants it (or me) to go with his teeth. I taught him how to take treats from my fingers like he's at high tea and now he uses that skill to his advantage. For example: "Please get up. I'm tugging a little bit on your pinky finger to let you know I need to go outside before I pee all over the carpet."

Advantage: Dogs. Well, mine anyway. Especially since Arthur likes watching An American Werewolf in London. Or the Geico commercial with the pig that cries "wee wee wee" all the way home.

Though tubby cats win points for being affectionate (usually) and waking you up at 5AM by deciding to lie on your chest and watch you breathe.
ehowton at 2011-03-02 16:29 (UTC) (Link)
Those strung-out hoochies didn't even know that cat's name :P

The smartest cat in my house is Marko, who is a master of communication, along the lines of your puppy. I recently read that a cat's collarbone is not connected to any other bone (rather just a mass of muscles) so that they can squeeze through just those types of spaces (and then I found the source of that -http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cat_know).

Love that commercial.
michelle1963 at 2011-03-01 23:26 (UTC) (Link)
It's just tough kitty love. ;-)
ehowton at 2011-03-02 16:18 (UTC) (Link)
michelle1963 at 2011-03-02 21:18 (UTC) (Link)
This Is Me, Ten Sticks
lehah at 2011-03-02 03:00 (UTC) (Link)
Keep a spray bottle handy to get him in the face when he bites.
ehowton at 2011-03-02 16:19 (UTC) (Link)
heh - just like Frau Farbissina!
mr_dowg at 2011-03-02 04:18 (UTC) (Link)
So.....it has been so long since I have even talked to you that I think I am forgetting what you and your family even look like anymore! I have a few DVD's sitting here that belong to you that I need to find the time to bring over!
ehowton at 2011-03-02 16:20 (UTC) (Link)

It's all good!

Newest pic of me, shockingly shopping for...wine!

Eric Howton Whole Foods Jan 2011
(Anonymous) at 2011-03-02 20:26 (UTC) (Link)

Re: It's all good!

Here's a good wine for you to try:

Menage a Trois


The red is very good!

ehowton at 2011-03-02 21:15 (UTC) (Link)

Re: It's all good!

While I'm an admitted BOXED WINE WHORE I look forward to tasting tasty (and surprisingly moderately priced) personal recommendations - thanks!

In other news, my journal default was awkwardly set to, "screen comments left by anonymous or non-friends who also include links." WHATEVER. I disable that annoyance so it shant plague you again :)
Carla Prewitt
Carla Prewitt at 2011-03-03 13:30 (UTC) (Link)

Re: It's all good!

I was wondering what the hell was going on! :)
Let me know how you like the wine...if you get a chance to try it.
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-03-03 04:27 (UTC) (Link)
I think this Russian cat can kick Mr. Bitey's ass!!!

title or description
ehowton at 2011-03-03 14:41 (UTC) (Link)
HO-LEE-SHIT dude!!
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-03-04 00:51 (UTC) (Link)
Normally I would be skeptical and think this picture was altered, but this is not the first big hairy pussy I've seen from Russia.

Edited at 2011-03-04 02:36 am (UTC)
ehowton at 2011-03-04 13:48 (UTC) (Link)
Yes, I'm recalling some of the pictures you've sent me over the years...
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-03-05 00:55 (UTC) (Link)
No, no that wasn't a Russian that your thinking about. That was one of those hippie chicks from TU Austin. And I don't think that picture was altered at all. At least the pictures I sent you were women. I don't think you can say the same!!!
ehowton at 2011-03-05 17:12 (UTC) (Link)
I recall the incident you're inferring - I WAS FRAMED!
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-03-05 17:40 (UTC) (Link)
I don't remember you being in the photos at all but you could have been.
(Deleted comment)
ehowton at 2011-03-04 13:49 (UTC) (Link)
It would certainly change the nature of our relationship!
kat_rowe at 2011-03-05 16:30 (UTC) (Link)
oh, the gnawing and trying to drag you back to his place is just a sign of affection. Spider does it to me ALL the time, purring her little heart out, too. It's not sadism, just species confusion *nods wisely*
ehowton at 2011-03-05 17:12 (UTC) (Link)
Mr. Bitey loves me? Mr. Bitey loves me!
kat_rowe at 2011-03-07 15:42 (UTC) (Link)
Mr. Bitey loves you *pets you both*
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