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ehowton the fornicating drug user

Posted on 2011.08.29 at 14:10
Current Location: 67114

Back one day in 2006 my good friend somebritinmass traveled home to Great Britain and sent me a very nice gift - dry, crumbled snuff and a tartan handkerchief. Not moist "chewing" tobacco snuff as we call it in the United States, but the type you insufflate; snort. I tried it a handful of times and it certainly did (as my clone would say) "brighten the room" but ultimately I found it impractical and troublesome and banished it to my humidor where it would keep indefinitely.

Fast forward five years and my wife is on an all-day outing with my daughter while my clone and I are finishing packing away all my IT gear from the move for room clearing. She comes across a carefully folded tartan handkerchief and I explain its use as it was explained to me by somebritinmass because I certainly didn't know what to do with it at the time. From wikiepdia's explanation:

When sniffed, snuff often causes a sneeze. The tendency to sneeze varies with the person and the particular snuff. Generally, drier snuffs are more likely to do this. For this reason, sellers of snuff often sell handkerchiefs.

As I was explaining all this to my clone, I pulled the can from my humidor and for the first time in five years opened it. It spilled out onto the island bar, so I cut it and made two lines. I snorted the first line, and she followed suit. We stood there giggling, then did it again. While we didn't sneeze, she did have a Hitler-esque snuff mustache, so we wiped the tobacco from our faces with the cloth. That's when I noticed our neighbors were in view through the sliding glass door!

Now I'm not used to neighbors, nor houses butted up against ours. Our temporary dwelling here is not as wide-open as our house in Anna, and the neighbors behind us have line-of-site into our kitchen, and had potentially seen everything. I can only imagine they thought I was snorting coke!

But it gets worse.

Later that same day, my wife is in her easy-chair watching television and clone and I are sitting in the floor at her feet drinking wine. I spy the can of snuff and reach for it, then pull my clone onto my lap until she's straddling me, dump a portion of snuff into of her hand, and we take turns snorting it from her palm. That's when I see, once again, the neighbors. From the back window now in the living room. And they can see me and my wife's cousin, but not my wife, whom they've met and know. They see us together at the local grocery store.

I can't imagine they would come up with any scenario in which I'm not a fornicating drug user.





Comments:


Michelle1963
michelle1963 at 2011-08-29 20:11 (UTC) (Link)
Wine and snuff. We'll have to do that again sometime. :-) Neighbors be damned!
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-08-30 23:02 (UTC) (Link)
Don't forget the absinthe party. Hey, you still have a 20% off coupon for the liquor store???
Michelle1963
michelle1963 at 2011-08-30 23:08 (UTC) (Link)
20% off coupon ~ oh hell yeah! :-) Absinthe! Yum! Of course, we may need to indulge in that bottle of tequila that came from my mom ~ sooner rather that later.
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-08-30 23:09 (UTC) (Link)
That stuff FREAKS ME OUT. But I always enjoy you two women while you're imbibing.

Just saying.
Michelle1963
michelle1963 at 2011-08-30 23:18 (UTC) (Link)
Tequila really does do a number on you. Funny, considering how well you hold your absinthe. :-)
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-08-30 05:02 (UTC) (Link)
The funny thing is though that almost as long that I've known you, you have been a fornicating drug user.
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-08-30 23:03 (UTC) (Link)
Hrumph!
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-08-31 01:23 (UTC) (Link)
I can prove this statement as truth sir.
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-08-31 01:24 (UTC) (Link)
I'm quite sure that won't be necessary, sir!
CeltManX, Devlin O' Coileáin
celtmanx at 2011-08-31 01:47 (UTC) (Link)
You sure??? I had the questions all planned out to prove it.
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-09-01 02:44 (UTC) (Link)
Yep, sure. Thanks for the effort!!
Joshua Gizelt
swashbuckler332 at 2011-08-30 12:30 (UTC) (Link)

This is what your neighbors see when they look at you now.




Edited at 2011-08-30 12:36 pm (UTC)
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-08-30 23:03 (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what your neighbors see when they look at you now.

God that's funny. In a really sad way.
Misha
dawaioser at 2011-09-12 22:24 (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what your neighbors see when they look at you now.

Oh puhleeze...your neighbors are bored silly and living the "high life" through you and your windows. LIVE IT UP and give them something to talk about at the PTA meeting. lol
mr_dowg
mr_dowg at 2011-08-30 12:35 (UTC) (Link)
Sometimes I sit back and wonder what my life would be like if I had just a 10th of the experiences that you have! I can always count on you to have some awesome experience to talk about!
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-08-30 23:05 (UTC) (Link)
You have something most don't: RAW UNINHIBITED CURIOSITY. I have never seen you back down from a new experience. Even when road pizza was the end result :P
Jobu
jobu121 at 2011-08-31 17:24 (UTC) (Link)
Nice - the neighbors be Damned sir... But yes it is funny how neighbors draw a conclusion of who we are based only on the snip-it of conversations held while taking out the trash. Then the get a glimpse into the window and cast judgement that we must be pagans running wild. LOL.

OBTW - Snuff and a lucid Absinthe party!
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-09-01 01:19 (UTC) (Link)
YES SIR!!
Michelle1963
michelle1963 at 2011-09-01 02:18 (UTC) (Link)
Snuff and absinthe. I like the way you think! ;-)
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-09-01 02:43 (UTC) (Link)
Jobu
jobu121 at 2011-09-02 16:34 (UTC) (Link)
Yum Yum sir, thanks for posting the pic... Am I going to see green fairies tonight? We shall see. :)
(Anonymous) at 2011-09-02 20:23 (UTC) (Link)
Nice! :)
(Anonymous) at 2011-09-02 20:49 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry - it's Carla!
ehowton
ehowton at 2011-09-03 02:55 (UTC) (Link)
I knew it was!!
(Anonymous) at 2011-09-03 13:08 (UTC) (Link)
Smart-ass! LOL!!
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