ehowton (ehowton) wrote,
ehowton
ehowton

Limitations of Love


I dreamed I was on a business trip in Austin, Texas supporting a conference of VIPs. While I was there I befriended a girl on the hotel staff who was my liaison for meeting support. We'd had a great time working together and visiting throughout the event, but when it was time for me to go I found myself suddenly and painfully aware that I was in love with her.

This was shocking news, as you can imagine - as I had my wife and kids back home, three hours North to be exact, and they would be expecting me. I was dumbfounded and ashamed that something like this could even happen and I didn't know what to do. So I stalled. I planned to postpone my trip home until later in the day, still hoping to make it by nightfall.

With the plan of action to talk this over with the girl in question (who looked like a flat-chested Rachel from Glee) I felt somewhat less nervous about my eventual departure, but still worried about my future with my own family. This was quickly becoming a nightmare. Anyway, she was still in her hotel uniform, but had put her hair up and was talking with some of the other hotel staff when I looked over at her with her hair up and wondered for the first time whether she was a male or female - I could no longer tell!

The thought shook me to my core. What if she was a dude? I was beside myself with trying to figure out not only how that would work - how I would be able to express my love and desire for her were she a man, but also how I felt. I mean, this changed everything, right? It changed how I felt?

I was ashamed to admit that it didn't. It didn't change how I felt at all. This person - whatever sex it was - I was in love with. I swallowed my acceptance that I could very well be in love with a man. I was nervous all over again, and a little bit ill. If falling in love with another woman was hard to deal with, this would be even harder. I walked toward her; him, haltingly. Then, in big-screen slow-motion she let down her hair and shook it free about the time it dawned on me something she had said in one our earlier conversations confirmed she was a female.

I won't lie, it was great relief, and I still had a battle ahead of me where the rest of my life was concerned and how I felt about things, but the realization that it wouldn't have mattered stuck with me. Love means some very specific things to some people. To others it has no limitations whatsoever.
Tags: dreams, nep
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