Log in

No account? Create an account
Typhoon SSBN

The Price of Self-Worth

Posted on 2012.06.15 at 07:55
Current Location: 67114
Tags: , , ,

The dismantled KGB would weep for the lack of subtlety discovered in my online checking account Monday morning:


And while I would never willingly deny anyone their own personal Russian Cupid, I also wonder what would be worth $89.97. Or to be more specific, I shudder to think of the possibilities. I remember my Air Force roommate in Korea who started dressing better, and wearing expensive cologne when he started paying locals for sex. All of a sudden my self-imposed celibacy seemed sane. It was the one thing I never wavered on the entire 12-months I was there.

But I was in a different place then, too. My longtime childhood girlfriend had broken up with me; the one who demanded total honesty from me then left me when I gave it to her. As I work through issues I require perspectives which differ from my own. I seek out those who will disagree with me so I may learn from them. The more someone disagrees with me, the more I learn, the more I learn the more I incorporate, the more I incorporate the more I change - as does the person I am in disagreement with. Over time - because of the learning process involved in dissimilar ideas - we both become stronger. She viewed disagreements as distasteful. And while I never enjoyed fighting with her (and fight we did), I did enjoy the exchange of ideas when she could separate the two.

I also hated all women during this period in my life. I'm sure in part because of my girlfriend (its hard to effect any change when you're 7,000 miles away in a locked tour) and in part because of the blatant intent behind the local culture which existed right outside the front gate of Osan. But mostly it was the things I saw on base between American military men and women. While I admit to being surprised at the level of depravity I found there, I was mostly saddened at the pervasiveness of deceit. Then again, we all have our own personal thresholds of tolerance.

Looking back today, and piecing together everything else that went along with my roommate splashing on cologne for his "date" what with the improved hygiene and dressing better - I wonder if what he was paying for wasn't sex, but therapy. Knowing his childhood difficulties and the hurdles which had been placed before him in breaking free of his shackles, perhaps this was his path to discovering self-worth? I became comfortable with who I was during my time in Korea - albeit not extrinsically and certainly without banging Asian chicks - and while my path afforded me much permanent significance in learning about myself, doesn't his path sound more...fun?

I recently ran across someone who's self-worth waxed and waned depending upon (in part) his level of sexual involvement with another. This type of individual seems incapable of intrinsic motivation. I hope what I saw in my roommate was self-confidence building - that which cannot ebb. To me, that's worth $89.97. In fact instilling self-worth into a complete stranger is worth $89.97 to me, because it would help make this world a better place one human at a time. I know men who have Russian brides and they are just like you and I. They have joys and struggles and experience enlightenment and mortality.

So while I had the charges removed by blushing middle-aged women at the local branch of my bank who couldn't stop giggling at the obviousness of the name, I was glad it happened. I was glad it happened because it allowed me to re-frame some things and better understand myself, and perhaps others. I'm now sitting on the fence about the veracity of banging Asian chicks for my own empirical data. I don't lack self-worth, not one iota, but I weep for those who do.


michelle1963 at 2012-06-16 01:50 (UTC) (Link)
Living in a Nye County Nevada, where prostitution within a brothel setting is legal, I gained a different perspective on the profession (although I've never believed it should be illegal even before living there). Yes, the business transaction is still the same ~ paying for sex ~ but televised interviews with the prostitutes, revealed that there is a bit more to it than that. Without the stigma of illegality, the women said they enjoyed bringing pleasure to their clients, and that pleasure often included more than just physical pleasure; there was a huge mental component as well ~ fulfilling a fantasy.

Okay, so take that back to your roommate, who from your description, may not have had much opportunity to interact with women and learn confidence. Even though he paid for that hooker's attention, he still got to experience what it would feel like to have a woman interested in him and gain confidence from it. Yes, she was interested because it was her job, but the lesson is the same nonetheless. People pay for all sorts of lessons, and they practice before embarking on their own. Maybe this is how it was with your roommate.
ehowton at 2012-06-17 21:28 (UTC) (Link)
Maybe he was a closet empiricist?
(Anonymous) at 2012-06-16 03:57 (UTC) (Link)
I think you're onto something there, and it makes sense to me, I've never thought about it from that perspective before. Very interesting.
ehowton at 2012-06-17 21:27 (UTC) (Link)
I know right?
(Anonymous) at 2012-06-22 18:58 (UTC) (Link)
when i decided to start stripping in order to get through college, one of the trade offs that i willing exchanged (after much thought) was acquiring a lower opinion of men. i knew that i was going to encounter things i couldn't "take back". that this was going to be something that would alter me and probably in many ways for the worse. i tried to steel myself against that.

i did it for about 4 years...and i left that profession in a manner quite the opposite. of course there were times (but only 3 or 4) i was approached for...something more...which i pretended not to notice. but my "regulars" were men that were mainly lonely, unheard or unseen in their personal lives. they paid me for the time i would sit and really *listen* and laugh at their jokes and make them feel important.

i'm not saying it was all perfect or that i would ever choose to do it. but i am saying that it gave me a kinder and gentler view of men. much in the same way you are stating here.

--anonymous for obvious reasons...though you should be able to figure it out...unless you have a plethora of stripper friends :P
ehowton at 2012-06-22 19:14 (UTC) (Link)
i knew that i was going to encounter things i couldn't "take back".
I think that method of foreknowledge is one of the better ways to prepare yourself for eventualities, and the world might be a less surprising place if more of us were equipped to do just that.

but my "regulars" were men that were mainly lonely, unheard or unseen in their personal lives.
This sadly reminds me of my own "Goddess of Comfort" dreams.

it gave me a kinder and gentler view of men.
I am learning to appreciate all sorts of diverse ways we as a race endeavor to improve ourselves. Thank you for sharing this.

...unless you have a plethora of stripper friends
I'm not opposed to the idea!
(Anonymous) at 2012-06-26 19:34 (UTC) (Link)
i do prepare (and prepare and prepare...) mentally for things. most of the time it's a good thing...other times i'm fricking exhausted with all the scenario running.

"I'm not opposed to the idea!"

ha! i love it!
michelle1963 at 2012-06-22 21:02 (UTC) (Link)
Isn't interesting that people's perceptions of the sex-linked trades and the reality do not completely jibe?

It's not that some of those stereotypically distasteful things don't occur, and I would suspect for prostitution, where it is illegal, distasteful is more the norm than in places where it is legal and regulated, but as those lonely men who really just wanted to your attention and time do not make the 11:00 news, no one knows that side of it.

I appreciate you sharing your experience, because I had no idea what the reality of that profession was like.

Now let's see...., which one are you? Julie? Cindy? Hannah? Mindy? :D
(Anonymous) at 2012-06-26 19:42 (UTC) (Link)
i had the luxury of even entertaining this option as the state i worked in there were strict no-touching/lap dance/etc laws...and i wouldn't have considered that at all.

so i think the expectations weren't the same as men who might go to a club where there is that sort of thing. other's experiences might be different there.

it wasn't the best of times but it wasn't the worst of times either. at least i'll have some good stories when i'm old! :)
Previous Entry  Next Entry