ehowton (ehowton) wrote,

From the Desk of Eric

Life has been overwhelmingly pervasive - it is seemingly everywhere - and choosing to face it does not come without its challenges. On good days, I am nothing short of magnificent. Less so on others. But then again, that's life. Had I time for introspection (and I don't) I might perceive things differently. Some days I am moving at the speed of Hammy, which is fantastic for getting shedloads of activities, both major and minor, accomplished. It also greatly increases my frustration level as everything around me is moving in slow-motion comparatively. Some days my carcass has risen from its slumber and I find myself propped up in front of my computer working with a cup of coffee in my hand before I'm conscious. If you think that sounds unsettling, you'd be right.

Change, being equally as pervasive as life, bombards every part of me. While I endeavor to maintain a modicum of unwavering behavior despite my many subtle, undulating moods (which can be explained more as a understanding and acceptance of that which eddies around me often entirely out of my control), some days I splay myself open allowing it to assault me while other days I am peeling it from me as if it were undesirable. Again, perspective and nothing more. There are things I struggle with, and things with which I do not struggle. Sometimes I get them confused. Or have already resolved them, but forgotten. Or not resolved them and thought I have. Or something changed. Something always changes. The adaptable survive.

A 15-year old girl on The Listserve said, concerning learning, "If you have that desire — that spark — to dedicate a minute, an hour, a day, or your life to learning, amazing things can and will change...this means immersing yourself in new situations, new places, new conversations, and new perspectives." Sometimes you immerse yourself, sometimes you are immersed without consent. The rules remain the same. Why would you behave differently in that immersion whether you were its architect or not? To what end?

It really is all just a balancing act. The well-adjusted know why (or at a minimum when) they are feeling a particular way, and understand that it will not last - that they will at some point feel differently. Patterns emerge over time and the well-adjusted can pick out triggers and responses. This makes even the roughest ride smoother, as we learn our emotional circumstances are temporary. Our mindset is temporary. Master this and you've mastered life. You become unflappable. And unflappable is power. It is mastery of self and circumstance. Not just an acceptance of our lot in life, but our control over it. Balance for the win. Reason will always, always, always prevail over irrationality.

Even when I'm frustrated, I'm reasonable. Its usually just a matter of energy levels with me. Sufficient reserves and I can more adeptly deal with external influences; emerging patterns. Admittedly energy is an elusive source at times. It teeters the fine line between physical and mental health. Testing different activities (or perhaps more importantly inactivities) to gauge effectiveness is paramount, otherwise you're just gambling - the first giant leap toward disappointment when things don't work out as you expect them to. Energy to me is an expendable and rechargeable resource from which I collate and assimilate data. There is much data coming in all the time, and with filters as broad as mine, I appear to myself as an enormous collector array. I would suppose, depending upon everyone's own set of diverse filters, that we each have vastly different arrays and thus each require differing amounts of energy at any given time. Excepting of course those who don't take in and/or process anything. I have no idea where all their energy goes. Probably through stewing. That would exhaust me.

The question of whether or not its been a stellar year depends upon what you choose to measure it by. For me, I have experienced another year of significant personal growth. What wouldn't I trade that for? I have been exposed to things, and understand things, in a much greater capacity than this time last year. I will use this knowledge to my advantage, now and in the future. So while some things fell apart, and other things were rebuilt, I think I would lament a year-end post which simply read, "This year, nothing changed."
Tags: year-end-post

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