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Posted on 2013.02.02 at 00:00
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I don't recall acute bouts of sleeplessness until around 2006. Looking back, a lot was taking place which directly conflicted with my worldview. Not that I was consciously working things out - many times I was not; it was subconscious which somehow differs from my unconscious processing insofar as it presumably required conscious components as part of its operating parameters. What, I couldn't say.

But as the elasticity of my mind stretches to accommodate all this new data, and my thoughts recompile, my conscious mind can now seemingly access glimpses of what my subconscious mind is processing. Which is fascinating from the perspective of bridging the two, but unsettling because this unordered raw data is without structure and makes no logical sense. I generally work on a problem by running a series of assumptions through algorithms to a conclusion, then change the assumptions and run them again, then change the alorithm and run it again, ad nauseum until something usable is spat out. Its these conclusions I attempt to reassemble here in a way that make sense.

Perhaps I'm just seeing the collating of the raw data - which is currently useless - because without form there are no assumptions, therefore nothing to run through an algorithm and no conclusion. I am tired, but wide awake. The problem with raw data, if that's what I'm seeing, is that its fleeting. There's nothing to grasp onto, nothing to hold; the ones I capture have no visible metadata associated with them so I don't know why they're there. Again, useless.

Most of my life I've been told I "think too much." I see the problem now as being most people don't think enough. There was a mind-blowing (and humbling) article in the August Psychology Today which outlined how dumb (and poor) the "top 1%" are IQ-wise as compared to the real processing power (and wealth) of the top .1% and exponentially, the top .01%. I'm not nearly as smart as you people think I am, I just think a lot. Perhaps more importantly, when I am aware of it, I attempt to suspend my own beliefs about life, the universe, and everything if something doesn't immediately fit. Think of it as a reverse confirmation bias - call it invalidative impartiality. To a fault I will drill down into even that which is rooted in unquestioned truth in an attempt to verify all its components individually. You cannot dig that deeply and then ignore the results if the outcome conflicts with your expectation.

Empiricism is exhausting.

Eric Howton Busy Brain February 2013


(Anonymous) at 2013-02-03 00:39 (UTC) (Link)

Dreams and reality

My sleeplessness began less than two years ago. My thoughts are similarly inconclusive and I suspect the ones that are not. My brain no longer functions normally, if such a word can ever be assigned to so varied an enterprise. Sometimes I find the smallest tasks nearly unmanageable. If autocorrect did not exist, I wonder, would I be able to send this message coherently? Am I doing so now? The lines begin to blur when you are always awake, all the time. Which is dream, which is reality? Help me if you can. I no longer have any hope.
michelle1963 at 2013-02-03 05:58 (UTC) (Link)
Think too much? Undoubtedly spoken by one who doesn't want his / her worldview challenged.

Just the past week, I was called into HR and informed that my discussion of the new salary rules (we must work a minimum of 40 or our salary will be docked, but they never have to pay overtime) was making people "uncomfortable." When I related this to one of my co-workers, he said, "Yeah. Them."

I would venture to say that you are making those who say you think too much uncomfortable.

While not as vivid as your description, when I am on the brink of epiphany, I have the feeling that things are being rearranged around in my psyche. So I do get what you are saying.
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