ehowton (ehowton) wrote,

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How I dodged one bullet, and bit another

Wife wanted us to lose some weight. She announced her desire to visit a Jenny Craig counselor the following weekend. The both of us. She was excited about the pre-packaged food (she wouldn't have to cook) and excited about the prospect of losing weight. Her mother had previously been on this with great success. I excused myself from dinner, locked myself in my hole, and immediately went to work. When I emerged half an hour later, I was well-armed, from numerous sources (which I had printed for verification) and began my counterpoint:

  • $137 per week, per person, for food & "supplements" = $1000 month...for a diet!

  • You still have to go shopping, and prepare your own food, as the diet requires fruit, vegetables and yogurt.

  • These foods are pre-packaged, pre-processed foods, loaded with preservatives and high-frutose corn syrup, two things we've purposely moved away from. Why eat it now?

  • According to two women's daily blog, it was basically a starvation diet.

As expected, she asked, "So what do you propose?" I told her I was looking at the M2C Stack, as it had showed up on every site I'd been to, right under Jenny Craig. She hates powdered drink diets, but if it worked, she was willing to give it a try. It was $108 for a week's worth, one person. I save only a little money, but the claims sound too good to be true. As it turns out, they are. The only thing I was able to uncover about M2C Stack, was that it was a fairly successful pyramid scheme, and yes, I could become my own distributor for 40% off retail. Fantastic.

Then, the unexpected happened. A previously tubby guy walked into my office and started talking to me. I was...confused, disoriented. I wasn't really listening to him at all. When his mouth stopped moving I asked, "Did you recently lose a lot of weight?" Turns out he was on the 'Master Cleanse' (aka Lemonade Diet) for 10 days, and lost a total of 20 pounds. Very interesting indeed.

So I read about this 'diet' which is really nothing more than a liquid-fast for detox purposes. It claims you will never feel hungry, because you get everything you need from a mixture of fresh-squeezed lemon, un-refined maple syrup, and cayenne. Whatever. After a bit of research, we chose this one. I really put this diet to its limits to, as I tried to finish a five-pound bag of cheese and a pound of white-flour pasta 12-hours prior to starting. To further complicate things, I was going to give up tobacco and coffee both on the first day as well. Hey, had I not seen some previously-chunky fatty chin-wagging in my office, I'd mock this one too.

Day One (260lbs) 0 lost:
I forgot the time changed, so I awoke at 0730 instead of the 0830 the clock was showing me. Needed coffee. Refrained. Slight caffeine headache later in the day. The desire for a scooby-snack consumed me by 1100. My headache grows worse, and I succumb to a single scooby-snack at 1400. I've given up both before, simultaneously, under different circumstances. This will be just a matter of time.

Day Two (260lbs) 0 lost:
No desire for scooby-snack. Just a hint of a headache probably from lack of caffeine. Drank a quart of non-iodized sea salt water this morning. It took me 15 minutes to choke it all down. An hour later - no effect. They suggest that if this happens, try more salt in the water the next day. I don't think that's very likely. Slight headache towards the evening. One scooby out of boredom. Haven't been hungry at all, but the thought of eating was kinda nice.

Day Three (258lbs) 2 lost:
Drank a quart of lukewarm salt water with three teaspoons in it this morning. No effect. Also, the laxative tea I had last night had no effect. Here I sit with half a gallon of salt water somehow absorbed into my body. Today was my first full day without Scooby-Snack, and I had no undying need for coffee. It's rather nice, actually. I did desire some Mexican food something fierce though. Drank my Laxative tea again tonight before bed. I guess I'm just full of shit. Wife thinks it was that five-pound bag of cheese I tried to ingest prior to starting the diet. She may be right.

Day Four (256lbs) 4 lost:
Steeped some laxative tea in place of a quart of lukewarm saltwater this morning. I may choose to do that again once I know somethings working again, which, to date, it is not. The fantastic thing is though I desire food at times, I'm not hungry. Its a plus. Day three is supposed to be the hardest. We'll see. Interesting note: I invited galinda822 and bigdog_etc to eat their Taco Bell in my office. It smelled wonderful! I was really enjoying watching them eat when suddenly - and I blame this on the smell - the floodgates broke loose, so to speak, and my dry spell was over. I'll try the salt-water flush again tomorrow morning and see what happens. This was my hardest day so far, only because I wanted to eat real food, not because I was hungry.

Day Five (249lbs) 11 lost:
Didn't do the flush this morning, drank the tea instead. My bowels are in an uproar, despite this being my easiest day yet. I'm pretty sure I'll try the salt-water tomorrow. Five days of not eating and I feel fine. I've limited myself to six of the lemonades, only two of which have the full amount of maple syrup. Oh, and I'm up to a half-teaspoon of cayenne. It is nice! Started my exercise regime today, on the now-operational treadmill. If I can keep this up another five days (and beyond, really - how easy it is to do if I would just do it) that'll be just great. I was curious earlier today if I was hallucinating everything around me - but I'm sure I'll be fine once I get some Mexican food in me.

Day Six (245lbs) 15 lost:
Salt-water this morning, it worked. My easiest day yet. People are amazed at my visible drop in weight.

Day Seven (242lbs) 18 lost:
This could be hard, because it's the weekend...We're going for resupply tomorrow. Breaking the fast is a 4-day event starting with nothing more than orange juice on Day 1, and ending with broth on Day 3. You're allowed to resume normal eating on Day 4. I feel I could go longer, if I wanted, and may yet. Started with the salt-water flush - which, in my estimation, worked fully for the first time today. galinda822 came over and we all went shopping to resupply, then watched Nacho Libre. The weekend wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, and have decided to extend my fast another seven days. Instead of stopping Tuesday, I will simply stop next Tuesday. This will allow me the rest of that week to come off the fast, and enjoy normal eating the weekend prior to my inlaw's arrival.

Day Nine (241lbs) 19 lost:
Spent a good part of the day today visiting some old friends at and Then I researched healthier menu choices from and made plans with the wife to eat there four-days after we break our fast. Set my desktop wallpaper to this:

I've been on the treadmill about half an hour a day, and started doing some light weights.

Day Ten (240lbs) 20 lost:
Ta-da! I'm going to extend my fast another 7 days just for giggles. YES I craved food, but no, I was never hungry. I successfully used this detox to rid myself of tobacco and caffeine, and I have had lots and lots of energy since about Day Four. What does it feel like? Will I pack it back on? I doubt it, and here's why - I'm feeling something I hadn't expected to feel. I'm feeling like as good as a bacon-double cheeseburger sounds right about now...I don't want to put anything into my body which will do it any harm. It's like I told galinda822 yesterday, between the sour-cream laden over-stuffed pork burrito and the Mexican salad at Chipotle why the HELL would I choose the salad? Well folks, after not eating for 10 days, that salad's sounding pretty good...

My doctor's been all over my ass about being pre-diabetic, and was about to start me on yet one more medication in addition to my high-blood pressure and cholesterol meds. By the time I see him again in three months, I'll be off all my meds.

Tags: diet

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